Nous arrivons devant le Parc une heure avant le coup d’envoi de PSG-Lille. Ambiance tiède. Les policiers se déploient autour de l’enceinte en s’éparpillant devant des groupes de supporteurs armés de lunettes 3D et de casquettes à hélice. Germain le Lynx s’échine à réchauffer le climat en tournoyant autour des impatients bloqués dans les files d’attente. La mascotte embrasse les nourrissons mais ne reçoit en retour que des larmes. Sébastien lève la main. Il est suivi par deux mecs, Ludo et Youssouf, anciens fidèles boudant désormais le stade. Le coût des abonnements a quasiment triplé en un an, me disent-ils. Sébastien se greffe à leur détresse : « Je me souviens qu’en 2001, tu pouvais te payer une bonne place pour cinquante francs… Maintenant, c’est cinquante euros. C’était le bon temps, quand même… J’aimais bien quand on partait en car sur les routes et qu’on faisait six cents kilomètres pour suivre l’équipe. Maintenant, tout est encadré… T’as même plus le droit de gueuler… » Face au mépris de la direction, ils se contentent aujourd’hui de mater Canal+ les soirs de rencontre.

Grand seigneur, j’invite Sébastien, Youssef et Ludo dans les virages tout en réservant à Medhi le soin de m’accompagner en présidentielles. Le Parc s’est payé un lifting qui aurait pu rendre Madonna jalouse. Les Qataris souhaitent qu’il devienne l’écrin du club. Ils ont inauguré au cœur du bâtiment une bijouterie où se presse la nouvelle clientèle. Plusieurs boutiques mettent à l’honneur la culture française : Dior, Chanel, Lenôtre et Leroy Merlin – s’acheter une perceuse, de nos jours, n’est plus à la portée du premier venu. Par tradition, les joueurs non retenus par le coach s’asseyent en tribune. Medhi me croit légèrement blessé.

« Tu penses pouvoir débuter bientôt en Ligue 1 ?

– Dès que je serai rétabli, ouais… Kombouaré me kiffe.

– C’est vrai qu’il va se faire virer ?

– Ca m’étonnerait. On est quand même deuxième.

– J’ai lu que vous cherchiez une pointure pour attirer des stars.

– On verra bien. »

Près d’un poteau de corner, des basketteurs smashent en sautant sur un trampoline rose. Notre mascotte s’affole au bord du terrain. Elle tente de ranimer le kop Leproux, du nom de l’ancien président du PSG, célèbre depuis sa politique de pacification des tribunes. Nous lui devons le placement aléatoire, la multiplication des interdictions de stade et les dissolutions des associations de supporteurs. Germain le Lynx n’est qu’une inoffensive peluche. Ces boy-scouts recrutés par la direction n’affichent pas le moindre signe de nervosité. Leur passivité m’insupporte. Les gens qui ne font aucun bruit en tribune sont les mêmes qui prennent une salade au McDo.

« C’est pas Domenech, en bas ? », demande soudain Medhi. L’ex-sélectionneur de l’équipe de France se tient effectivement au beau milieu d’une rangée princière, enrichie de manteaux de fourrure. Lui se couvre la tête avec la capuche de son sweat. Ici, il peut rencontrer certaines des plus grandes fortunes du monde venues se montrer et faire des affaires, des propriétaires de formations du Golfe Persique, des Américains, des Chinois, des Australiens ou des Japonais, autant de patrons potentiels. Cherche-t-il un poste ou veut-il seulement profiter du spectacle en toute tranquillité ? Je ne serais pas contre le voir succéder à Kombouaré. Les médias le critiquent alors qu’il a tout de même disputé une finale de Coupe du monde. Il est aussi connu pour donner sa chance aux jeunes.

J’ai regardé mes coéquipiers s’échauffer avec un fort sentiment de haine puis je me suis progressivement effacé au profit du match. Les Lillois dominaient les échanges. Leurs fans criaient « On est chez nous ! » en ridiculisant les nôtres, préoccupés à coordonner une ola. Rapidement, un guignol en costume eut l’idée brillante de commenter chaque décision d’arbitrage par une expertise de son cru. Domenech incita l’homophobe à se taire par un habile tirage de cravate. À la seconde ola, survenue après une remise en touche, l’ancien coach des Bleus attendit la fin des hostilités pour se lever à contretemps dans un champ de moutons redevenus silencieux. Lorsqu’il entendit la foule conspuer Pastore après une frappe manquée, il s’attaqua à ses voisins : « Encouragez votre équipe, bordel ! Encouragez-la ! Public de merde ! Public de merde ! » Instantanément, les supporteurs lillois reprirent le chant et la tribune de presse remixa le morceau en « Domenech de merde ! » ; alors, notre héros, de rage, enleva son pull pour le lancer sur un malheureux, ciblant par ce geste une caméra reliée à l’écran géant ; si bien qu’après cette exposition médiatique, le Parc des Princes n’eut que son nom à la bouche.

79 commentaires

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    Parfait, une fois de plus.
    Et je dois dire que l’idée de Ray entraîneur en Chine juste pour contrarier Anelka me remplit d’une joie mauvaise.

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    Oui magnifique l’idée de Domenech en chine histoire “de battre Anelka avec une équipe de province, comme ça, juste pour l’emmerder jusqu’au bout”. Le trait de génie… Le pire c’est que ça peut arriver en vrai ?

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  7. Tonio dit :

    Maintenant j’ai une bonne raison de suivre le mercato chinois, merci.
    A part ça, encore un excellent épisode… Il faut maintenant se préparer à l’arrivée de Beckham, ça promet.

  8. seb dit :

    complétement barré cet épisode.

    merci

  9. Salles de Fitness Saint-Etienne dit :

    Un nouvel épisode… une nouvelle barre de rire… en attente de la prochaine 😉

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    Très exotiques, tes fans, Maxou.

  11. mr.suaudeau dit :

    Le mec sur la photo, c’est un peu Jurgen Klinsmann et un peu le Thom Yorke des débuts.

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    N’empêche, même si le raccord avec le fil rouge Poker est plutôt bien trouvé, je trouve qu’il est pas très très sympa d’insulter Phil Laak en le traitant de Domenech. Il n’a pas de poils aux oreilles que je sache.

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