Après tout juste cinq minutes d’opposition, Kombouaré a pris le ballon entre ses mains et l’a fait exploser par psychokinésie. Puis il s’est mis à hurler :  »Bon, ben si vous ne voulez pas vous faire de passes, je rentre chez moi! » Le discours du coach passait mal, lui aussi. Surtout depuis qu’il était mort. Les gars le soutenaient toujours mais, inconsciemment, se donnaient moins à l’entraînement, comme s’ils préservaient leurs forces pour son successeur. Après tout, Kombouaré nous avait trouvé bons contre Nancy. Ce n’était pas la peine d’en faire plus.

Quand L’oeil de Moscou, alias Angelo Castellazzi, revenait s’asseoir dans les tribunes du balcon, nous retrouvions subitement de l’allant. L’Italien prenait des notes, abondamment, en nous observant de ses jumelles – elles fonctionnaient « parfaitement », selon Ménez, qui les utilisait quelquefois pour chercher Gameiro en profondeur. Castellazzi était proche de Leonardo. Nous étions sûrs qu’il lui répétait nos erreurs.

L’oeil de Moscou avait dû attraper une conjonctivite ce jour-là puisqu’il semblait absent. Nenê et Pastore abusaient des dribbles jusqu’à l’indigestion – Javier allant même jusqu’à jongler sur 150 mètres avant de plonger dans un cerceau enflammé, propriété du Cirque du Soleil. A l’AS Moulins, c’était simple : le premier qui réussissait un geste technique gagnait sa place pour le match du week-end ; puis, à la fin, l’entraîneur tirait au sort pour désigner les huit ou neuf joueurs restants. A Paris, c’était différent. Kombouaré voulait jouer collectivement,  »en respectant les consignes. »

 »Attendez coach, partez pas! On voulait pas leur manquer de respect, aux consignes!
– Dites-leur qu’on s’excuse!
– Fallait y penser avant!
répondit Kombouaré. Mais rien ne vous empêche de continuer sans moi. »

J’observais Bodmer et Armand courir vers leur voiture, au loin. C’était la première fois qu’ils couraient aussi vite. Ah, si seulement Paris jouait dans un parking. On serait inarrêtable.

Le déplacement à Marseille approchait sans susciter d’effervescence au sein du groupe. Le staff nous avait demandé de répondre le moins possible aux sollicitations et d’adopter un comportement quasi-militaire dans l’approche du match. Un ancien soldat reconverti préparateur physique – il avait jadis exercé sous les ordres d’Halilhodzic et de Saddam Hussein – était venu, lundi, nous recadrer. Nous avons tiré sur des cibles mouvantes (Alain Roche et Apoula Edel, déguisés en frères Ayew). Nous avons appris à désactiver des mines et à marcher en cadence sur l’air de la Ligue des Champions. On nous a même implanté des puces électroniques dans le cou, capables « d’améliorer nos mouvements face à l’adversité » et « de vérifier que nous ne sortions pas en boîte lors de cette semaine décisive« . Sincèrement, tout cela ne servait à rien. Ce n’était que l’OM.

Dans La Provence, hier, José Anigo avait bien tenté de nous déstabiliser en présentant Paris « comme une équipe de millionnaires égocentriques vaguement pédésexuels sur les bords. » L’attaque n’avait pas franchi la Loire. Oh, bien sûr, les supporteurs voulaient nous voir gagner et nous entendions leurs cris, dehors, près des barrières. Mais l’écart entre notre équipe et celle de l’OM est telle qu’il nous suffira de marcher pour la vaincre. La force du PSG, cette saison, c’est de ne jamais douter. Sirigu, Pastore, Lugano et Sissoko nous transmettent leur confiance et cette décontraction avant les grands rendez-vous ; ou ceux censés l’être, sur le papier.

Revenant de l’entrée, Mathilde se tourna vers le responsable de la sécurité.

« C’est Dhorasoo. Il veut entrer.
– Niet. Ordre de Guy Lacombe.
– Lacombe? Il a quitté le club depuis longtemps. Je crois qu’il est parti rejoindre une communauté hippie en Ardèche. Ils acceptent encore la moustache, là-bas.
-Bon. Laisse-le passer, alors. »

Depuis août, Peguy Luyindula s’entraînait avec la réserve. Nos chemins s’étaient croisés. L’attaquant allait bientôt être licencié alors qu’il n’avait pas commis de fautes, sinon celle de vouloir être titulaire. Vikash Dhorasoo lui avait conseillé d’imiter Jean Lassalle et de se lancer dans une grève de la faim. Peguy avait refusé, de peur de perdre cette silhouette musclée qui faisait son succès auprès des femmes. L’ancien milieu de terrain international revenait plaider sa cause en toute discrétion.

 »Là-bas, sur la pelouse! indiqua-t-il à la vingtaine de caméramans qui le suivaient. Un endroit dégagé, où l’on pourra bien m’entendre! »

Une par une, il serra nos mains.
 »Entendez la ferveur de la foule! Les gens soutiennent mon combat!
– J’ai plutôt l’impression qu’ils chantent :  »Kohler, Kohler, rentre pas chez ta mère »
– Peu importe! Je sens dans l’air un parfum de révolte! Cela me rappelle le jour où j’ai claqué la porte de l’équipe de France, après la Coupe du monde 2006.
– Ce n’est pas plutôt Domenech qui ne comptait plus sur vous?
– Peu importe! »

Dhorasoo avait été mis à pied par le PSG en 2006. Il menait depuis une brillante carrière multicarte de joueur de poker, de chroniqueur sportif et de fondateur d’un mouvement politique, Tatane, manifeste pour un football plaisir, durable et joyeux ; présenté ainsi, effectivement, ça sonnait surtout comme le manifeste d’un film porno avec Blanche-Neige.

Alors, devenu le centre d’un amas de visages envoûtés, grossièrement attroupés sur la pelouse, Dhorasoo s’est gratté la touffe et a commencé à disserter sur sa condition d’esclave des puissants, les épaules rentrées et la premier bouton de chemise ouvert, rejouant Katsuni dans ses meilleurs rôles.

« Il y a cinquante ans, l’un de nos frères – il s’appelait Eugène N’Jo-Léa – fut à l’origine de la création de l’UNFP, votre mère nourricière. Ce jour apporta l’espoir aux millions de footballeurs marqués par les flammes d’une injustice foudroyante et annonçait l’aube joyeuse qui allait mettre fin à la longue nuit de la captivité. Mais cinquante ans plus tard, nous devons faire le constat tragique que nous ne sommes pas encore libres. Cinquante ans plus tard, la vie des footballeurs reste entravée par la ségrégation et enchainée par la discrimination. Comment expliquer, sinon, que je gagne deux fois moins qu’Eric Di Meco en participant à 100% Foot ?
– Bravo! Bravo!
– Cinquante ans plus tard, les footballeurs représentent un îlot de pauvreté au milieu d’un vaste océan de prospérité matérielle. Oui, nous sommes pauvres! Pauvres de droit!
– T’as raison Vikash! J’ai même pas pu m’acheter une voiture ce mois-ci!
– Je suis venu ici pour demander aux monstres qui vous enchaînent le paiement d’un chèque.
– Bravo! Bravo!
– Un chèque qui vous garantira, mes frères, davantage de liberté!
– Euh… Et pour ceux qui se sentent déjà bien libres, y a pas moyen d’avoir un autre genre de chèque?
– Luttons! Marchons ensemble, jurons d’aller toujours de l’avant, sans obéir à ces hommes qui nous ordonnent de reposer nos corps fatigués dans les motels des routes et les hôtels des villes.
– Bravo!
– C’est clair! Ras-le-cul des mises au vert!
– Je ne suis pas sans savoir que certains d’entre vous arrivent ici après maintes épreuves et tribulations. Certains d’entre vous viennent directement des cellules étroites des prisons.
– Ouais! On est tous passés par un centre de formation! »

J’avais fait celui de Saint-Etienne. Pas longtemps.

« Une question, au fond ?
– Bonjour, Kevin Kohler, remplaçant.
– Remplaçant ou titulaire, nous sommes tous frères.
– Au RC Lens, peut-être. Dites, votre discours, vous l’avez pas un peu pompé sur celui de Martin Luther King?
– Je… Ne nous laissons pas distraire, camarades! Après des années d’humiliations, d’attaques psychologiques, de brimades en public, de rabaissements mesquins, il est temps pour vous de réagir. Le footballeur professionnel moderne est un individu isolé, sans attaches, sans affects, le produit idéal d’un marché mondialisé qui n’en rêvait pas tant. Le moment est venu de se réveiller pour défendre l’un des nôtres, l’un des vôtres, qui pourrait être vous.
– Ouais! T’as raison, mec!
– Le moment est venu de montrer aux présidents de club, aux agents et aux entraîneurs que nous ne sommes pas que des marchandises, mais bien des êtres humains!
– C’est pas déjà texto ce que vous disiez dans votre chronique dans l’Equipe?
– Euh… Je… Comme vous, j’ai été seul, confronté à des responsabilités qui m’échappent. Pourquoi m’a-t-on choisi pour porter secours à ce monde en ruine alors que je suis l’exemple même de l’échec ? Parce que je suis l’élu, mes frères, et vous allez devoir me suivre.
– C’est pas un peu exagéré, quand même, de…
– J’ai perdu trente-cinq ans de ma vie à coucher avec des femmes qui se sont toujours foutues de moi, j’ai gaspillé mes forces et mes week-ends dans un sport qui ne me méritait pas, j’ai sagement attendu la fin de ma carrière en me satisfaisant de mon statut de victime.
– Vikash, on n’est quand même à plaind…
– Je suis, vous êtes les plus pitoyables représentants d’une société libérale qui se veut libérée mais qui n’a jamais été aussi conformiste, normative et asservissante. Au fond, un club est une gigantesque prison pour le footballeur : elle l’enferme dans un carcan d’où il ne tente jamais de fuir, sauf pour la Premier League.
– Ecoute Vikash, on va te laisser, là, l’entraînement reprend.
– Pour un football plus libre! Pour un football sans club! Pour un football sans football! Tatane! »

Il était l’heure de rentrer chez moi.

64 commentaires

  1. Mèch Tuyot dit :

    Oh la fin est presque tristounette, un petit cafard avant d’aller au lit..

    Remontons de quelques lignes.

    « Remplaçant ou titulaire, nous sommes tous frères.
    – Au RC Lens, peut-être »

    Ah bah beaucoup plus drôle, ça va mieux !
    Excellent passage, le nom de la fille facilement impressionnable c’est quoi, si jamais en passant par Moulins, enfin que je fasse pas le voyage pour rien comme Ayala à l’époque.

  2. Kevin Kohler dit :

    J’ai pas son prénom, seulement son tour de poitrine. Désolé, Mèch.

  3. novel dit :

    Brillant encore, comme le billet précédent. Ah, le discours de Vikash… et : « Je suis un individu isolé, sans attaches et sans affects, le produit idéal d’un marché mondialisé qui n’en rêve pas tant. » : magnifique…

  4. Romain dit :

    Juste un petit détail : c’est Katsuni avec un « n », maintenant.

  5. maxime dit :

    Très bien, je m’en réfère aux spécialistes. Corrigé.

  6. Charles dit :

    Très bon épisode j’ai envie de dire comme souvent !

    Ps : J’ai vu que Evry petit club de DH a surclassé Moulins en CDF … les temps sont dur quand même !

  7. piticoujou dit :

    « – Remplaçant ou titulaire, nous sommes tous frères.
    – Au RC Lens, peut-être. »
    Monstrueux ça, Maxime, monstrueux. Pété de rire… Merci.

  8. Pierre Minus dit :

    C’est long.

  9. Thony03200 dit :

    Exellent !!

  10. Zicomaster dit :

    Excellent comme d’habitude..j’aime !! Bravo j’imagine déjà un petit bouquin à la fin de la saison reprenant tous ces textes !

  11. Tonio dit :

    Merci, je suis fan.
    Comme ça, j’ai pu découvrir Eugène N’Jo-Léa… Trajectoire presque aussi étonnante que celle de Kévin.

  12. Gigi dit :

    très pertinent :
    « elles fonctionnaient “parfaitement”, selon Ménez, qui les utilisait quelquefois pour chercher Gameiro en profondeur »
    Vraiment parfois alors, bonne continuation

  13. Salles de Fitness Saint-Etienne dit :

    Toujours aussi drôle… vivement le prochain

  14. Zeek dit :

    « L’Italien prenait des notes, abondamment, en nous observant de ses jumelles – elles fonctionnaient “parfaitement”, selon Ménez, qui les utilisait quelquefois pour chercher Gameiro en profondeur »

    Une parmi d’autres.
    Finalement c’est assez rare de rire à répétition grâce a si peu de lignes.
    En espérant que Kevin communiquera toujours autant une fois qu’il aura gagné sa place dans un 4-4-2 sacrifiant Pastore.

    Bravo.

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    o Salabrasion – Salabrasion is a instead aged approach that truly includes sanding off your tattoo coated skin. Anesthetic is administered to the location and then salt drinking water is used whilst your pores and skin is vigorously rubbed. Sure, this is as distressing as it sounds and is probably to result in scarring.

    o Dermabrasion – With dermabrasion you are once again essentially sanding off your skin. Anesthetic is also used in this sort of tattoo elimination. Following that, a resolution is used (or simple ice packs are applied) to the tattooed skin that freezes the spot. A hand-held rotary instrument is then used to scrape away the best levels of pores and skin on the spot. Due to the naturel of the procedure there will most likely be bleeding as properly as scarring.

    o Excision – Excision is a process where the tattooed pores and skin is cut off. This is easiest with little tattoos nevertheless it is a tattoo removing method that can be used for even more substantial tattoos. With greater tattoos, you may possibly endure a number of the process numerous moments. First reducing away the heart of the tattoo and then next up with the outer portions later on. Following slicing absent the pores and skin and the tattoo, your skin is introduced back again with each other in some situations with significant tattoos a skin graft is utilised to go over the eliminated region. Regional anesthetics are also employed in this tattoo elimination method.

    The most typical type of tattoo removal these days is the use of a laser to eliminate the tattoo. A centered laser is employed to split aside the tattoo ink below the surface of your skin. The relaxation of your pores and skin stays unharmed and there will not be scarring. Various wavelengths are utilised for distinct ink hues which means the much more colourful your tattoo, the much more intricate and high priced your laser tattoo removal will be.

    Even though laser tattoo elimination is very profitable (though not usually entirely), the price of tattoo removal from laser processes can be very pricey and time consuming. For a modest, one-colour tattoo, the price of tattoo elimination may be one hundred to numerous hundred bucks.

    For bigger, thicker, a lot more intricate and much more colourful tattoos, you may possibly have to have up to 10 sessions to get your tattoo entirely eliminated. Periods can range in price anywhere from $one hundred to more than $one,000, most very likely falling in the $400-$500 assortment. With laser tattoo removing a numbing agent can be used beforehand if needed, despite the fact that most say it is a rather painless tattoo removal process. 1 draw back to laser tattoo removing is certainly the price of tattoo removing by itself, as properly as how long the complete method can take. Personal periods want to be spaced out to enable proper time to recover.

    As you can see there are a variety of strategies for finding your tattoo eliminated. You can find a strategy to suit your price range and tolerance to distress and soreness. Just keep in mind to do your investigation an make an informed decision.

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