Le kikonjou de la semaine : Fußball Club Schalke von 1904
23/10/2008 – 17:26
Aussi incroyable que cela puisse paraître, certaines peuplades parviennent encore de nos jours à survivre au-delà du périphérique. Parfois même à des lunes et des lunes de marche. On les appelle les kikonjoux. Afin de mieux connaître leurs coutumes et de promouvoir un tourisme parisien responsable, prenons notre Hummer Diesel et partons à leur rencontre.
Le kikonjou de la semaine : Fußball Club Schalke von 1904
Une atmosphère légère comme une symphonie de Wagner… Un ciel-couvercle à te crever les yeux avec un knacki… Des magasins de shorts à bretelles, certes moches, mais super bien rangés… Félicitations ! Tu contemples l’Allemagne. Zoome un peu : la Rhénanie-du-Nord-Westphalie. Rapproche-toi encore : la Ruhr. Regarde mieux : Gelsenkirchen. Ben reviens, pourquoi tu t’en vas en pleurant ?
Beaucoup moins célèbres que les Allemands de l’Est et les Allemands de l’Ouest, les Allemands du Nord gagnent pourtant à être connus. Enfin, disons qu’ils pourraient pousser aux prolongations les Allemands du Sud, dont ils sont honteusement séparés par l’amour de Belin, une addiction aux biscuits apéritifs qui les perdra.
C’est bien connu, Joe le Nazi il va pas partout, il marche pas au soda. Aussi, nos kikonjoux souffrent-t-ils d’une sévère infection rhénane, pleine de rhuraux. Partout, des méandres sinueux qui font des zigzags pas droits. Ces gens-là sont des tordus, qu’on vous dit. En témoigne cet haïku courbe d’Herman S, un soir qu’il titubait encore dans un virage oblique. « Ruhr mon amour, toi qui pétille de mille écumes spumeuses, remets-moi donc une mousse. » Ceux qui n’aiment pas les faux cols repasseront. Comprenne qui peut. Avale qui rit.
Ya vohl, là, non ?
Tous les soirs, des milliards de Gunthar en peignoir caressent le fol espoir d’avoir enfin mangé leur pain noir. Scheisse ! Dès l’aube frontale, y’en a déjà un autre qui sort du four, ça n’en finira donc jamais. Une sorte de jour de la marmotte, mais avec du pain noir. On comprendra que l’Allemand en ait la langue râpeuse et gutturale, contrairement à la nôtre, qui est rose et humide. Ce qui excite le sus-cité et l’incite à nous sauter dessus à intervalles réguliers. On dit alors qu’y’a les Teutons qui pointent.
Gelsenkirchen est peuplé de 10% de Polonais. Voilà ce qui arrive quand on n’a pas de colonies. Au milieu de ce beau bordel, certes, mais super bien rangé, Schalke fait fait fait c’qui lui plaît plaît plaît. Un gang d’Allemands en shorts sans bretelle, les Nulfir, joue ainsi au fousbal. C’est étrange, le fousbal. C’est un peu comme notre ballon-pied, sauf qu’eux ne cherchent pas à tricoter délicatement la pelote en respectant les mailles du filet, ils l’abîment en tapant dedans, très fort et de très loin, ces barbares. Ouais, c’est ça, tooooooor. Tu feras moins le malin quand t’auras cassé ton jouet.
Qu’attendiez-vous d’une bourgade sans aucun rastafaraï mais qui se targue que Shalke a des mousses, franchement ?
138 réponses to “Le kikonjou de la semaine : Fußball Club Schalke von 1904”
S a des mousse !!!!
alors là trop bravo
De julien le 24/10/2008
Magnifique!
Réussir à caler Herman Hesse dans un kikonjou: mais jusqu’où iront-ils?
De Le Madrilène le 24/10/2008
Je cherchais un adjectif pour decrire le style: Desprogien. Vous le meritez.
Continuez a nous faire rire et sourire.
De Nidza le 27/10/2008
C’est plus que le style Desprogiens, y a carrément des passages qui sont honteusement pompés
Néanmoins, ca reste tres tres bon, spéciale dédicace à “Schalke fait fait fait c’qui lui plaît plaît plaît” et à “Shalke a des mousses”
Encore !
De Julienas le 27/10/2008
Cher Julienas,
Cette accusation de plagiat desprogien est désormais un classique et avait déjà été faite aux kikonjoux consacrés à l’AS Monaco et à l’OGC Nice. Dans les deux cas, la comparaison avec le texte prétendument copié montrait qu’elle était parfaitement infondée.
Nous vous serions donc reconnaissants de citer le texte prétendument copié afin que l’odieux pompage éhonté auquel nous sommes censés nous être livrés apparaisse au grand jour. Vous recevrez alors nos excuses. Dans le cas contraire, nous attendons les vôtres.
Cordialement,
De Les auteurs le 27/10/2008
J’ai du m’y prendre à plusieurs fois, afin de saisir toutes les subtilités du texte. Du grand art, bravo!
Mais, au risque de passer pour un débile mental, je n’ai toujours pas compris “Shalke a des mousses”
Un indice?
De toutrouge le 28/10/2008
Huhu il me semble qu’il s’agit d’un passage sur les Allemands dans le livre “Les étrangers sont Nuls” de Pierre Desprogres.
Ayant rarement et malheureusement le dit livre sur moi pendant mes heures de boulot, je me promets d’aller y jeter un oeil dès ce soir afin de savoir si j’ai accusé de plagiat Desprogiens un peu rapidement.
Que diriez vous dans ce cas du terme d’Inspiration Desprogienne ?
De Julienas le 28/10/2008
Cher Julienas,
Nous en dirions qu’il nous convient et qu’il nous honore.
Cordialement,
De Les auteurs le 28/10/2008
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