Le kikonjou de la semaine : le Toulouse Football Club

3/05/2008 – 17:59

 

Aussi incroyable que cela puisse paraître, certaines peuplades parviennent encore de nos jours à survivre au-delà du périphérique. Parfois même à des lunes et des lunes de marche. On les appelle les kikonjoux. Afin de mieux connaître leurs coutumes et de promouvoir un tourisme parisien responsable, prenons notre Hummer Diesel et partons à leur rencontre.

Le kikonjou de la semaine : le Toulouse Football Club

Ennemi lecteur, te souvient-il de Jesse Garonne, ce rapide mal embouché responsable de la découverte des kikonjoux bord-de-laids, alors qu’il cherchait une plage que jamais il ne trouva ? Ben figure-toi qu’en filant sa métaphore au long cours, l’itinéraire initial de notre Vasco (Munich-Caen) flique floque flaque dans des méandres dont tu seras à peine étonné d’apprendre qu’ils sont sinueux. Bref, le bateau c’est chou. Sauf des fois. Mais là, oui. Oh, je t’entends déjà grommeler dans tes commentaires en bas de page : « Cénul. Y’en a ralbol dé kikonjou. On compran kdal, c tou louche. » Voilà. C’est Tout Louche. Pas la peine de chercher le Canal du Midi à quatorze heures.

Bien qu’ils s’en défendent à 4 avec trois milieux défensifs, les tout louches et les bord-de-laids sont pratiquement pareils. L’identité régionale, parfois, on dirait une querelle de clocher. Même pieds paquets, même cous farcis, même foies gras. C’est eux qu’on gave, c’est nous qu’on engraisse, bravo. Les oreilles particulièrement exercées aux subtilités du patois putaing-cong savent paraît-il faire la différence entre ces deux peuplades. Du genre celles capables de distinguer Gold de Noir Désir.

alegre

 

En quête d’un véritable tueur des surfaces, Tout Louche n’a pu se payer qu’un vieux sosie capillaire de Ronaldo.

 

Il faut franchir le rugby, con, pour s’apercevoir à quel point la passion locale pour le ballon rond est vivace. Prenez le premier Tout Louche FC. Il était présidé par Jean-Baptiste Doumeng, le milliardaire rouge. On l’appelle ainsi car il se fit un peu de monnaie en vendant sa place en première division ainsi que tous ses joueurs au Red Star, dans l’indifférence générale.

Son successeur, le Téfécé, jouit en revanche d’une notoriété indéniable, grâce à son palmarès fourni comme une symphyse de pré-pubère. Un rite initiatique veut d’ailleurs que les pitchouns gagnent l’estime des leurs en se décalcomaniant Gambardella 2005 sur les parties de leur choix. Ils deviennent alors des membres violets à part entière. Les anciens pincent ensuite ces petits oiseaux jusqu’à ce qu’ils piaillent : « Canari sur gazong, c’est la Ligue des Championg ! ». C’est assez cong, mais faut vous dire que les tout louches sont très très fiers d’avoir l’air buse.

Qu’attendiez-vous d’une bourgade qui nous a infligé Jean-Louis Debré, Jean-Pierre Mader et Patrice Carmouze, franchement ?

 

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  2. Joli. A chaque fois je m’étonne de la qualité des jeux de mots. J’attends de voir ce que vous allez trouver pour Clermont-ferrand, sedan et grenoble mais je vous fais confiance.

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  3. Bien vue le lien Ronaldo-Allègre! Adoptant effectivement la même coupe, ils semblent aussi attirés l’un et l’autre par les individus du troisième sexe!

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  226. I agree with you, in a way. If I hang out with nudists, I will feel some pressure to remove my clothes. If I hang out with Amish, I am going to feel like I stick out by wearing a red shirt. If I go to a business meeting wearing flip-flops, I will feel like they are looking down on me. And the fact is, they will be. People typically fasten onto the first thing they see that is significantly different about someone’s appearance, and attribute every negative thing they see to that. If I go to a business meeting with long hair and flip-flops and make a mistake in my presentation, it won’t be because “sometimes people make mistakes under pressure,” but because I am a “stupid, lazy, dope-smoking hippy.” So I think when you sit with a number of others who are wearing the hijab, yes, they probably are judging you. At the same time, if you are going to be mature, you must realize this is inevitable, and you do the same. So let it go. Do your best to talk with them, enjoy their company, and be a good friend to them. And if they come to respect you as a wise and kind person, maybe THEN they MIGHT listen to you enough to understand your point of view regarding their customs. But I wouldn’t count on it.

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