Le kikonjou de la semaine : le Toulouse Football Club
3/05/2008 – 17:59
Aussi incroyable que cela puisse paraître, certaines peuplades parviennent encore de nos jours à survivre au-delà du périphérique. Parfois même à des lunes et des lunes de marche. On les appelle les kikonjoux. Afin de mieux connaître leurs coutumes et de promouvoir un tourisme parisien responsable, prenons notre Hummer Diesel et partons à leur rencontre.
Le kikonjou de la semaine : le Toulouse Football Club
Ennemi lecteur, te souvient-il de Jesse Garonne, ce rapide mal embouché responsable de la découverte des kikonjoux bord-de-laids, alors qu’il cherchait une plage que jamais il ne trouva ? Ben figure-toi qu’en filant sa métaphore au long cours, l’itinéraire initial de notre Vasco (Munich-Caen) flique floque flaque dans des méandres dont tu seras à peine étonné d’apprendre qu’ils sont sinueux. Bref, le bateau c’est chou. Sauf des fois. Mais là, oui. Oh, je t’entends déjà grommeler dans tes commentaires en bas de page : « Cénul. Y’en a ralbol dé kikonjou. On compran kdal, c tou louche. » Voilà. C’est Tout Louche. Pas la peine de chercher le Canal du Midi à quatorze heures.
Bien qu’ils s’en défendent à 4 avec trois milieux défensifs, les tout louches et les bord-de-laids sont pratiquement pareils. L’identité régionale, parfois, on dirait une querelle de clocher. Même pieds paquets, même cous farcis, même foies gras. C’est eux qu’on gave, c’est nous qu’on engraisse, bravo. Les oreilles particulièrement exercées aux subtilités du patois putaing-cong savent paraît-il faire la différence entre ces deux peuplades. Du genre celles capables de distinguer Gold de Noir Désir.
En quête d’un véritable tueur des surfaces, Tout Louche n’a pu se payer qu’un vieux sosie capillaire de Ronaldo.
Il faut franchir le rugby, con, pour s’apercevoir à quel point la passion locale pour le ballon rond est vivace. Prenez le premier Tout Louche FC. Il était présidé par Jean-Baptiste Doumeng, le milliardaire rouge. On l’appelle ainsi car il se fit un peu de monnaie en vendant sa place en première division ainsi que tous ses joueurs au Red Star, dans l’indifférence générale.
Son successeur, le Téfécé, jouit en revanche d’une notoriété indéniable, grâce à son palmarès fourni comme une symphyse de pré-pubère. Un rite initiatique veut d’ailleurs que les pitchouns gagnent l’estime des leurs en se décalcomaniant Gambardella 2005 sur les parties de leur choix. Ils deviennent alors des membres violets à part entière. Les anciens pincent ensuite ces petits oiseaux jusqu’à ce qu’ils piaillent : « Canari sur gazong, c’est la Ligue des Championg ! ». C’est assez cong, mais faut vous dire que les tout louches sont très très fiers d’avoir l’air buse.
Qu’attendiez-vous d’une bourgade qui nous a infligé Jean-Louis Debré, Jean-Pierre Mader et Patrice Carmouze, franchement ?
4 959 réponses to “Le kikonjou de la semaine : le Toulouse Football Club”
Joli. A chaque fois je m’étonne de la qualité des jeux de mots. J’attends de voir ce que vous allez trouver pour Clermont-ferrand, sedan et grenoble mais je vous fais confiance.
De Benoit Benjamin le 5/05/2008
Bien vue le lien Ronaldo-Allègre! Adoptant effectivement la même coupe, ils semblent aussi attirés l’un et l’autre par les individus du troisième sexe!
De D. Gullit le 5/05/2008
Grenoble ça va pas être possible, nous on monte en Ligue 1 la saison prochaine (oui, Lyonnais et supporter grenoblois en même temps).
De Matte-OL le 5/05/2008
@Matte-OL
en général, le supporter grenoblois préfère le chaudron…
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