24h dans la vie d’Alain Roche
15/04/2008 – 9:22
Attention: de ces deux hommes, le comique n’est pas celui qu’on croit - la preuve en 24 heures.
07:00 - Pas un bruit
07:50 - Alain se lève et peste contre son réveil. Le vendeur lui avait pourtant assuré qu’il ne tombait jamais en panne, qualité ouzbek oblige. Et puis à 1200 euros, qui pouvait se douter que c’était de la camelote ?
07:55 - Sur la table de chevet, Alain regarde la photo de son ex-femme, partie vivre à Sochaux. “Je n’aurais jamais dû lui dire qu’elle n’était pas mon premier choix, qu’elle était juste la seule à avoir accepté de me dire Oui.”
08:00 - Alain se rend douloureusement compte que, c’est fou ça, mais ça pique un peu les yeux quand même, le P’ti Dop.
08:20 - Alain est déçu, il trouve qu’il n’y a pas beaucoup de framboises dans ses Spécial K. Pourtant à la télé, on avait vraiment l’impression qu’il y en avait plein.
09:00 - En épluchant la presse quotidienne, Alain découvre un espoir qui a commencé sa carrière à gauche mais qui visiblement est très à l’aise à droite. “Penser à chercher sur youtube une vidéo d’Eric Besson“, écrit-il sur son calepin LHVM acheté 650 euros à la boutique des Champs Elysées. Enfin, juste derrière, dans une rue adjacente.
09:15 - Alain écoute son répondeur. 22 messages d’agents de joueurs, dont la plupart pour des propositions de transfert des 12 meilleurs latéraux droit du Brésil. Alain se frotte les mains.
09:55 - Alain récupère le courrier sur le pas de sa porte. Ah enfin, les DVD Le Top 100 dailymotion des plus beaux gestes de la D2 brésilienne et Le meilleur des arnaques dénoncées par Julien Courbet sont arrivés. En revanche toujours aucune nouvelle de M. Mobutu Raoul, qui lui avait proposé le mois dernier via email une association lucrative dans le but de rapatrier 500 millions d’euros d’un compte bloqué à Abidjan. “J’espère qu’il a bien reçu mon RIB” marmonne-t-il, anxieux.
10:10 - Alain part promener son chien, un superbe labrador pure race, gris à tâches noires.
10:20 - Alain passe devant la boulangerie. Ne pouvant y entrer avec son animal, il demande à un gamin de lui acheter un croissant moyennant commission. 10€ ? Tope-là.
10:30 - Départ au Camp des Loges en vélo. “Faudra que je pense à envoyer un chèque à mon voisin pour qu’il puisse payer l’essence de la voiture que je lui ai prêtée“.
11:00 - Sur son bureau, une note du Président : “Alain, j’attends toujours que tu m’expliques comment on a pu dépenser davantage pour Everton que Nice pour Ederson. Merci.” Pff, toujours à râler celui-là, et même pas un mot gentil alors que le PSG vient d’être élu - et ce pour la troisième année consécutive - “Club préféré des agents de joueurs” du classement Fourbes Magazine.
12:10 Alain parcourt un article élogieux sur Cristian Rodriguez. “Si je continue à avoir raison de plus en plus tôt, il est loin d’être né, celui qui va m’escroquer“, pense-t-il. Puis il lève les yeux et se perd dans la blondeur de cette superbe Joconde, récemment acquise à vil prix.
13:00 - Cantine. Alain décide de prendre un filet de ce beau poisson qu’il avait déjà repéré la semaine dernière.
14:45 - Alain sort enfin des toilettes. “Satanées Spécial K“
15:15 - Le téléphone sonne. C’est M.Cayzac.
- Allo Alain, je suis avec Paul là. On se demandait, comme ça, si tu pouvais nous expliquer Bourillon ?
- Fastoche. J’avais envoyé une liste de défenseurs à Paul. Il me l’avait retournée toute raturée avec écrit en rouge “ce n’est même pas digne d’un bourillon”. Alors je l’ai acheté. Et j’ai mis le PSG à l’abri en ajoutant à son contrat une clause de départ à €35 millions. Pas peu fier de moi sur ce coup…
- UN BROUILLON, Alain, j’avais écrit “ca n’est même pas digne d’un BROUILLON” !
- Eh oh, j’en ai marre de me faire engueuler ! Ca suffit là. Quand je vous ai parlé de Cristiano Ronaldo y’a trois mois, vous n’avez même pas daigné vous renseigner. Allo ? Allo !?
15:30 - Alain découvre sur Maxifoot que Ceará serait convoité par Chelsea et le Real Madrid. Cette information est reprise d’un article d’OL Web signé J-M.A
16:35 - Après une âpre négociation, Alain fait signer à Ceará une prolongation de contrat de 8 ans avec une revalorisation salariale conséquente. “Qui osera dire que je ne suis pas réactif après ça, hein ?“
16:50 - Alain apporte à Cayzac le chèque à signer de 3 millions d’euros pour l’achat de Youssouf Mulumbu. “Le président d’Amiens m’a assuré que je faisais une affaire“, confie-t-il à son président.
16:51 - Dans le couloir, Alain ne comprend pas pourquoi Cayzac a tenté de l’étrangler.
17:00 - De sa fenêtre, Alain voit Le Guen crever les pneus de son vélo.
17:30 - Après une dure journée de travail, Alain rentre chez lui, à pied.
19:00 - Au kiosque à journaux, Alain achète les nouvelles pièces de la reproduction en miniature du véritable avion de Charles Lindbergh, Spirit of Saint Louis. Le premier numéro valait deux euros, une aubaine. Celui-là est vendu 130€. “Ils sont vraiment forts, ces gars de la collection Atlas“.
19:15 - Alain arrive enfin chez lui. Mais pas le temps de souffler, il doit étudier la proposition de M. Rousselot pour le transfert de Damien Grégorini en prévision du remplacement de Jérôme Alonzo. La clause stipulant que le PSG devrait verser 1 million supplémentaire à l’ASNL au cas où Damien ne serait pas aligné plus de 10 matchs en deux saisons lui semble étrange. “Il faut que je réfléchisse“.
20:00 - Téléphone..
- Allo, Alain ? C’est Valdo, tou vas bien ? Si, yé souis à Nassau, là, sur le yacht de mon ami, el présidenté des Corinthians. Y’appelais pour prendre des nouvelles. Souza et Everton, vous en êtes contents y’espère ? Mouhahahahahahahha (tonalité).
- Allo ? Allo ?!
20:30 - Plateau télé devant le TéléAchat.
21:00 - Alain se couche, fier du travail accompli, la tête posée sur cet oreiller incroyablement ergonomique qui épouse la forme du visage tout en maintenant la colonne vertébrale bien droite assurant par la même un sommeil réparateur. “Réglé en 12 fois sans frais, ça c’est du business, sourit-il en fermant les yeux - dommage qu’il gratte“.
1 046 réponses to “24h dans la vie d’Alain Roche”
Vous êtes méchant et en plus vous passez Onteusement la principale qualité d’Alain sous silence : il porte quand même vachement bien le costard.
La classe Alain.
De Un PEMiste un peu moins timide le 15/04/2008
Sublime.
(je me demande si, en realite, il y a VRAIMENT des gens qui envoient leur RIB pour debloquer les 500M d’Abidjan)
De Je dirais bien que je suis messin, mais c'est pas ca qui va arranger mes affaires avec les filles (ni avec les enfants) le 15/04/2008
Eh oui, il y en a… J’ai un ami qui a travaillé à l’Ambassade de France à Lagos (ces arnaques mailesques sont apparues au Nigéria), à chaque réunion de service le Consul apportait des messages de protestation de citoyens français se plaignant de s’être fait arnaquer…
Horizons improbables de la cupidité ^^
De Raspou le 15/04/2008
mince j’aurais su je lui aurais fait transiter tout mes mail d’abidjan( 2/jours) on aurais pu faire affaire : il envoi son rib et me file 30% pour le tuyaux….(d’avance bien sur 30% c’est raisonnable)…
De didier le 15/04/2008
Cruel. Mais tellement drôle…
Ou comment brûler ses idoles d’autrefois…
On t’aime quand même, Alain.
C’est ça le pire…
De Ours meilleur le 15/04/2008
Très bon.
J’arrive pas à croire qu’on recrute encore des brésiliens. Parce que au final, ça reste une loterie, pour un caera/christian t’as deux everton/alex. Et à côté de ça, on laisse filer des joueurs depuis bientot dix ans parce qu’on peut pas s’aligner sur leurs demandes salariales (Sorin, Dehu, Heinze, Arteta, remember ?
La faute en incombe aussi à la pression que mettent les supporters pour toujours recruter plus et plus encore. :/
De Vincent le 15/04/2008
Je poste juste pour ma blague sur l’URL.
Si on regarde sous le siege d’Alain, je serai pas surpris de voir une anguille
De Pitude le 15/04/2008
hey “Ours meilleur”
je voit pas le rapport entre des mauvais recrutements et laisser partir de bon joueurs avec ton:
“La faute en incombe aussi à la pression que mettent les supporters pour toujours recruter plus et plus encore. :/”
évidemment que les supporters mettent la pression sur les recrutements…
… on aurait une équipe de DRH sinon !!!!
De narouteau le 16/04/2008
Pauvre petit club de la capitale… mdr
Message a l’attention de Mr Roche Alain :
Pour seulement 10 Millions d’€uros , vous pouvez faire l’acquisition du tres grand Karim Ziani, ailier droit percutant , rapide , avec une vision du jeu hors norme … mdr
Pauvre parisiens vous allez vous amuser l’an prochain devant Peusseugeu-creteil !!
De Yankee84 le 16/04/2008
C’est vraiment très drôle : Mais le plus inquiétant, n’est pas que tout cela respire le vécu (!), mais que les résultats du PSG donnent à penser que l’on aurait pu pratiquer ainsi pour obtenir le piètre résultat que l’on vit aujourd’hui. Il est urgent de donner un coup de balai dans ce club où les vieilles gloires (Le Guen, Roche, Rai) n’ont plus rien à apporter… sinon du malheur ! Allez Paris !
De Marco le 17/04/2008
C’est vialin pour Alain et en plus vous risquez d’être d’accord avec Gilles Verdez, Na !
“08:20 - Alain est déçu, il trouve qu’il n’y a pas beaucoup de framboises dans ses Spécial K. Pourtant à la télé, on avait vraiment l’impression qu’il y en avait plein.”
J’en ris encore
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