1m73, 70 kg. Je ne ressemble pas au portrait-robot du footballeur moderne et je ne lui ressemblerai jamais. En dernière année de formation à l’AS-Saint-Etienne, les éducateurs ont préféré m’écarter plutôt que de me voir grandir. J’avais 15 ans, un peu d’appréhension, une taille en proportion. “Trop petit” - “Différent” - “Je crois qu’ils cherchent des gens comme toi à Fort Boyard”. Cinq mois plus tard, ils refusaient Javier Pastore, venu d’Argentine effectuer un essai. C’était l’époque où les centres recrutaient des adultes ; même les clubs de football font des conneries, à l’adolescence.
Une fois le départ acté, j’ai passé plusieurs semaines à courir un trousseau de clé à la main pour tenter d’ouvrir les portes fermées. Aucune équipe ne me voulait. José, de l’AS Moulins, fut le seul entraîneur à me faire confiance.
“1m84, 85kg, des jambes profilés, un moral d’acier, des testicules du même métal, des…
- Ca va, Jean-Denis, on a compris.
- Oui, euh… Messieurs, je vous présente Cristiano Ronaldo II.”
Cristiano Ronaldo ne ressemble pas au footballeur moderne. Il est l’avenir du footballeur moderne, son portrait dans un futur proche ; et un robot, pour certains de mes partenaires, impressionnés par la puissance qu’il dégage lors de ses matches avec le Real Madrid. “Comme le PSG ne peut pas se l’offrir, on a décidé de le fabriquer nous-même!”, s’écrie un chercheur en blouse blanche, vêtu d’une combinaison de pompiste. Au sous-sol du Camp des Loges, préservés des regards, ont été construit un laboratoire dernier cri, une clinique remise à neuf, des salles de massage et une pharmacie. En quelques minutes, par le nouvel ascenseur, on peut venir soigner un début de grippe ou discuter librement avec les anciens médecins de la Juventus. Ils nous donnent des vitamines à la mi-temps des matches, des sirops à prendre avant de dormir. Cela fonctionne. Je n’ai plus le nez qui coule.
Ludwig, un mathématicien de renom - il s’occupe à temps partiel de mettre à jour les classements de la rubrique Résultats du bi-hebdomadaire France Football -, nous explique que Cristiano Ronaldo II a été conçu par manipulation génétique, suivant la méthode utilisée en 1997 pour Dolly, une brebis écossaise. Plusieurs moutons broutent d’ailleurs dans un enclos situé non loin de la table d’opération où le cyborg est attaché. Ils portent des maillots du PSG et “remplaceront, au Stade de France, nos supporteurs trop critiques“, nous précise Ludwig.
Une porte de la clinique donnait directement dans le parking. Trois pompes à essence, alimentées par Qatar Petroleum, permettaient aux conducteurs de faire le plein avant de retourner sur Paris. Les tuyaux se voulaient suffisamment longs pour desservir toutes les pièces du sous-sol, si bien que les chercheurs se servaient également des appareils. Un laborantin avec un bouc roux baissa le caleçon de Cristiano Ronaldo, attrapa le manche d’une pompe puis inséra le conduit à l’arrière du prototype. “Une transfusion. Méthode italienne. Pas vrai, Michele?” Posés sur une étagère murale, des bocaux en verre contenaient des cervelles de différents animaux, identifiables par une simple étiquette : singes, labradors, rockeurs. L’Italien préféra saisir un récipient plus petit, une sorte de bocal à olives. Avec une pince, il prit l’une des boules vertes qu’il plaça délicatement dans le crâne ouvert du footballeur, en prenant soin de ne pas toucher ses organes les plus sensibles - à savoir un téléphone portable greffé à l’oreille, télécommandable par clignotement de la paupière gauche, le droite activant le répondeur. “ Le carburant de tout buteur de renom. Du sans plomb dans la cervelle, comme on l’appelle ici! Moins ils réfléchissent, moins ils se posent des questions devant le but! Enfin je dis pas ça pour vous, les gars, hein! Les gars?” Du regard, le pompiste chercha mes coéquipiers. Démunis face à la science, ils s’amusaient à mélanger différentes fioles et à les boire en s’encourageant mutuellement, sans vraiment se soucier des remarques d’Ancelotti. En voulant cacher à l’intérieur d’un conteneur réfrigéré une casquette, Ménez toucha par mégarde une matière gluante à l’odeur très désagréable, aussi nauséabonde qu’une analyse sportive d’un éditorialiste politique de télévision.
“Monsieur ? C’était pas radioactif, au moins? demanda Ménez en levant un doigt bleu.
- L’avenir jugera, répondit le chercheur. J’espère simplement que vous aimez dormir la lumière allumée.”
Depuis la réunification des deux équipes professionnelles du club, l’ambiance s’était normalisée. Dans une étonnante décontraction, les joueurs du PSG semblaient ne jamais se soucier du lendemain. Choyés par une technologie de plus en plus innovante, par un bataillon d’experts, de médecins, de psychiatres, ils pouvaient se concentrer sur le football. La plupart préféraient toutefois pincer les miches des infirmières et défier ainsi le coach, incapable de maîtriser les écarts de conduite d’un groupe que le confort aurait plutôt tendance à fatiguer.
Je m’écartais de la norme autant que de leurs jeux par la façon dont je percevais mon métier. Les stars de l’équipe commençaient à m’apprécier car je me sacrifiais pour eux sans convoiter leur notoriété. Je n’avais pour ainsi dire aucune chance d’être titulaire mais passer du temps en leur compagnie ne pouvait que m’aider à comprendre ce que l’on attendrait de moi plus tard. Pour progresser, j’étais même prêt à parler avec Cristiano Ronaldo. Ce n’était pas un modèle mais il annonçait le futur. J’avais peur du futur.
Le lendemain, Cristiano Ronaldo II sortait sur les écrans ; les écrans solaires, précisément, puisque sa peau, astucieux mélange de titane et de chair, nous éblouissait. L’entraînement avait déjà commencé quand il entra sur la pelouse. Bruno Merci, un arbitre reconverti consultant à la télévision, nous avait enseigné diverses méthodes pour berner ses anciens collègues. La séance de plongeon dans la surface avait duré vingt-cinq minutes ; celle de tacles par derrière capables d’esquinter le genou d’un adversaire sans risquer d’expulsion ne dépassa pas quatre minutes trente en raison du grand professionnalisme de Lugano et du manque de joueurs valides à lui opposer. Ce n’était pas très sport, pas très fair-play. C’était le football moderne.
Ronaldo fut envoyé dans l’équipe rouge. Il parlait peu, sinon pas. On lui passa la balle. Il fit deux, trois, seize contrôles, puis tira au but en direction d’Aréola, notre troisième gardien. On sortit Aréola sur civière et Le Crom prit sa place. Un coup franc fut sifflé à l’entrée de la surface. Nene chercha à le tirer mais Ronaldo lui arracha le ballon des mains - et la main tout court, par la même occasion. Deux employés du service de chirurgie plastique et reconstructrice de la clinique arrivèrent en ambulance. Prévoyant, et puisqu’il voulait encore avoir des enfants, Tiéné refusa de servir de mur et gara le véhicule à l’entrée de la surface. L’androïde prit son élan, face au ballon, dans une gestuelle rappelant Robocop, puis frappa pleine lucarne. Marchant sur les morceaux de pare-chocs, il enleva son maillot puis vint s’asseoir à côté de Leonardo, observateur du banc de touche.
“Une augmentation? Mais tu te fous de moi? Allez, retourne t’entraîner!”
La machine cligna de l’oeil. Quelques minutes plus tard, elle nous réunit en cercle au centre du terrain et prit la parole, plus longuement cette fois :
“J’ai reçu à l’instant une offre du FC Anzhi Makhachkala. Mon agent a négocié les termes du contrat, je les ai acceptés. Ce fut un plaisir de jouer dans votre équipe.”
On lui souhaita bonne chance pour la suite de sa carrière. Il insulta Leonardo, fit deux bras d’honneur à l’intention de Nene - le sien puis celui du Brésilien - et monta dans une berline grise qui fila en direction de l’aéroport le plus proche. Les chercheurs l’applaudirent. Cristiano Ronaldo II était une réussite technique.
Victor dit :
Ronaldo II qui ne va pas au PSG, c’est une métaphore pour Réveillère?
17 août 2012, 10:07En tout cas toujours génial comme texte.
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Bruno Merci……:)
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Kevin si tu faisais les mêmes blagues sur le terrain même Thigo Silva ne pourrait plus défendre dans l’opposition avec l’équipe 1.
A quand un contrat à vie?
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