L’été, dans les régions chaudes, la population des footballeurs suit la même croissance que celle des lapins. Elle oblige le propriétaire de l’élevage à adopter des solutions radicales pour préserver l’état de son jardin. A défaut d’un fusil, il doit se résigner à noyer les plus faibles, voire à les prêter à un club de Ligue 2. Sur ce cas précis, installer une clôture ne sert à rien, sinon à empêcher l’accès de la pelouse aux journalistes.

Des joueurs de la CFA avaient volontairement quitté le club plutôt que de finir la tête sous l’eau, sans avenir professionnel. Adrien Rabiot, 17 ans, avait eu la chance de signer un contrat. Aussi idéaliste que je l’étais à son âge, il s’imaginait gagner sa place. Apprendre au contact des plus grands ne lui suffisait pas. C’était comme vouloir participer à l’élection de Miss France, gagner puis espérer coucher avec la dauphine.

Le staff avait été renforcé, le petit personnel doublé. Tout avait augmenté, même les salaires. En tenant compte des transferts déjà conclus, des retours d’indésirables, des joueurs en instance de départ et de ceux attendant une nouvelle arrivée pour plier bagage, le PSG possédait, fin juillet, suffisamment de matière pour constituer deux équipes professionnelles.

Et ainsi fut fait.

La première équipe, composée des titulaires et de quelques remplaçants internationaux émargeant à 250.000e/mois, s’entraînait sur le terrain principal, le plus proche des vestiaires. La seconde comportait les titulaires pour la Coupe de la Ligue. Ils jouaient à 500 mètres des autres en se servant des arbres comme poteaux, de la clôture comme ligne de touche et des ballons grossièrement dégagés par Alex comme ballons. Claude Makelele dirigeait les séances. La seconde équipe semblait aussi indispensable que les diplômes chez une femme de footballeur.

Dans la continuité, les femmes de footballeurs avaient été divisées plus que d’ordinaire : les épouses des titulaires d’un côté, les copines des remplaçants de l’autre. Cela posa très vite un problème logistique, beaucoup se réclamant des deux camps. On décida donc de créer un troisième groupe regroupant les indécises. Très vite, on supprima les deux premiers groupes.

Le Camp des Loges, même rénové, ne supportait pas encore la comparaison avec les centres d’entraînement du Milan ou de Chelsea. Il offrait néanmoins un cadre agréable, conforme avec l’idée que l’on pouvait se faire du haut niveau. A l’unanimité, l’équipe A du PSG aimait les nouveaux sièges de l’accueil - les anciens meubles tapissaient désormais les derniers rangs de la salle de cinéma érigée à l’étage. A l’unanimité, l’équipe B détestait occuper le fragile assemblage de tôles amiantées lui servant de vestiaire, un endroit insalubre que mêmes les mouches à merde fuyaient ; le précédent bureau d’Alain Roche. Le vestiaire ne payait pas de mine. Les toilettes étaient rares, tout comme les maladies que l’on attrapait en s’asseyant dessus. Seules les douches rivalisaient avec la concurrence. Makelele pouvait rester des heures entières à se frotter sans être gêné par notre présence. Fréquenter l’équipe B se révélait particulièrement intimidant.

Notre président suivait les conseils d’Ancelotti. La saison précédente avait été perturbée par les nombreux mouvements de joueurs. S’appuyer sur un noyau réduit d’éléments fiables paraissait indispensable. Débuter un match à quinze, comme contre New-York, n’était définitivement pas une chose à rééditer. La difficulté pour l’entraîneur consistait à faire admettre à un joueur susceptible d’être titulaire dans n’importe quel autre club de France qu’il allait devoir passer toute une année dans la peau d’un réserviste. Placé dans la seconde équipe en raison de mon âge, je mesurais la complexité de sa mission. Il nous arrivait souvent de battre l’équipe A à l’entraînement et d’en être récompensé par une promotion. La frontière était mince et laissait place au doute.

La direction prit alors des mesures. On interdit l’accès au parking aux membres de la seconde équipe. Les joueurs de la première disposèrent de deux places supplémentaires pour garer tous leurs véhicules, en plus des trois déjà autorisées. Le salon réservé aux interviews individuelles fut rasé en deux jours et permit d’agrandir le parking. Mathilde Barbara, l’attachée presse, protesta. Elle fut rasée aussi. Nous n’avions plus le droit de communiquer avec les titulaires de l’équipe A, ou alors en envoyant une demande écrite à l’aide d’un stylo fonctionnant très mal. Nous réclamions un stylo neuf mais Leonardo nous répondait : ‘’Il faut en faire la demande écrite’’. ‘’Et pour un coup de pied dans le cul ?’ – ‘’Aussi’.

Il fut rapidement question d’un maillot spécifiquement destiné aux joueurs de l’équipe B, une tunique blanche avec des rayures noires. La direction se contenta de coudre un emblème distinctif.

"Elle est cool cette étoile jaune, s’emballa Bodmer. J’ai l’impression d’avoir gagné une Coupe du monde.

- Ca va trop loin, là, les gars! Faut en parler au président!

- Tu vois le mal partout, Kevin. Tiens, donne-moi de ta miette de pain si tu ne la termines pas.”

Nasser s’était fait construire un coffre-fort sur une butte non loin du Camp des Loges où il entreposait les titres gagnés depuis son arrivée. C’était une petite butte. Une piscine culminait au dernier étage.

"Président, la situation devient invivable.

- Manchester City possède bien deux équipes en Premier League. Pourquoi pas le PSG? argumenta Nasser, nageant entre des liasses de billets.

- Ce sont deux clubs différents. City et United.

- Si nous voulons gagner un titre, autant se donner le maximum de chances, non?

- A ce moment-là, autant disputer un championnat réservé aux clubs de la région et obtenir qu’il soit qualificatif pour la Ligue des Champions!"

Il sortit du bain, nota l’idée sur un carnet puis il alla la soumettre à Frédéric Thiriez, le président de la Ligue.

"Nous avons déjà refusé une proposition similaire des présidents d’Ajaccio et de Bastia. Attention, vous venez de faire tomber une pièce.

- Pardon, je suis encore trempé.

- Sachez simplement qu’un club d’une même ville ne peut posséder deux équipes en Ligue 1. C’est la règle.

- Un règle? Qu’est-ce que c’est?

- Quelque chose qui ne s’achète pas.

- Ce doit être chiant et ennuyeux, non?

- Euh… Oui.’’

A contre-coeur, Nasser prononça la disparition de l’équipe B du PSG. Le président ne baissa toutefois pas les bras et se mit dans l’idée d’acquérir le club d’une autre ville. Il porta son choix sur Toulouse mais la mairie ignorait l’existence d’une équipe de football professionnel dans les environs. Il envisagea de racheter Nancy mais s’endormit en visitant la commune sur Google Map. Alors, il appela l’OM.

‘’José ? C’est Nasser. Ca te dirait de devenir le second club de Paris?

- Qui t’as filé mon numéro? Grimault?

- L’OM pourrait disputer ses matches au Stade de France.

- Ok, mais seulement pour les déplacements à Paris.’’

Un accord fut vite trouvé.

45 commentaires

  1. Kireg dit :

    Toujours aussi bon.(émargeant et non pas émergeant).

  2. Captain Rai dit :

    Mon cher Kevin,
    C’est toujours avec un plaisir immense que je te lis et tu me fais méchamment rigoler.
    Pourvu que Don Carlo et le méchant Léo te donnent une chance pour qu’enfin tu puisses nous narrer l’impression de jouer avec de si grand joueurs.

  3. Victor dit :

    Encore ce bon plaisir de lire le billet hebdomadaire. Hate de voir les prochaines aventures dans la starmania du PSG.

  4. Keyvan qui gagne dit :

    Au top ce début de saison ! En revanche, j’ai une petite question : Bien que les deux cas de figure soient vrais, les femmes de footballeurs avaient divisé ou étaient divisées ? =) Bon courage dans ce monde merveilleux cher Kévin

  5. maxime dit :

    Kevin est déçu de ne pas être dans la liste de Deschamps mais il vous embrasse quand même, chers lecteurs.

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