“J’avais parlé de biopic. Pas de Biactol. Javier n’aime pas qu’on mette en avant ses problèmes de peau.
- Il est bankable, monsieur Al-Khelaifi. Et il vous a coûté plus cher qu’une place de cinéma. J’ai pensé qu’il serait bien de le rentabiliser.
- Qu’une place de cinéma… N’exagérez pas. Sans l’achat des lunettes 3D, alors.
- Dîtes…
- Oui, monsieur Leonardo?
- Cela n’aurait pas été mieux avec un noir et un handicapé?
- Je n’en ai pas trouvé au club.
- Avez-vous cherché dans notre défense centrale? Lugano aurait été parfait pour le rôle.
- Il n’est pas noir.
- Mais il est en fauteuil roulant.
- Non plus.
- Attendez, vous voulez dire qu’il réalise des matches aussi pourris avec l’usage de ses deux jambes?”

Lucas Martin, un producteur de film indépendant, connaissait Pastore pour avoir également vécu à Cordoba. Ce lien privilégié lui avait permis de décrocher l’appel d’offres lancé par le PSG. Notre président qatari avait vu à quel point un simple film pouvait rendre heureux et contribuer aux succès de ses acteurs ; son club, considéré comme un blockbuster sans âme, cherchait lui aussi à devenir intouchable dans l’esprit du public.

Lucas n’avait pas mis longtemps à convaincre son compatriote. Javier considérait le football avant tout comme une distraction, un plaisir d’enfant qu’il prolongeait par facilité, et rêvait secrètement d’une carrière plus honorifique dans le 7ème art. Il était plutôt doué. Plusieurs festivals de premier plan le nominaient ainsi dans la catégorie “meilleur court-métrage” de la saison de L1.

Lucas sortit une seconde affiche de son sac à dos et l’étendit sur la table de ce grand salon où vivait depuis mars mon pote Medhi.



“Beau casting, hein? Le spectre de la relégation n’a pas pu venir, il est déjà sur un autre tournage du côté de Marseille.

- Non, vous ne comprenez pas, j’ai besoin d’un film positif. J’ai envie que cesse cette déplorable chasse aux sorcières.
- En l’occurrence, il s’agit de fantôme,
fit Leonardo.
- Non, de Chantôme. Clément Chantôme, corrigea Lucas.
- Qui est-ce?
- L’un de vos joueurs. L’un des symboles de votre équipe. Une référence pour les supporteurs.
- Je me fous des références! Je veux simplement qu’on nous aime!”

C’est fou ce besoin qu’ont les gens riches de vouloir être aimés. Les pauvres n’ont pas ce problème. Ils veulent simplement être riches. Ici, au PSG, on marche en regardant le sol, comme à la recherche de pièces de monnaie. Des joueurs se croisent et s’évitent, recommencent sitôt le match fini. Je vois la haine dans le regard des adversaires. Ils nous chambrent, nous comparent à des parvenus. L’argent ne nous a donné que le mépris et le souhait de beaucoup est qu’il continue à le faire. Au nom de la morale, Montpellier doit être champion. Notre chance est que le football n’en possède aucune.

Medhi connaissait Lucas Martin parce qu’il connaissait tout le monde. Ce salon était devenu le sien en moins de deux rencarts  ; la dame qui le lui louait était tombée sous le charme de cet infatigable tchatcheur, si persuasif qu’il aurait été capable de vendre la Coupe de la Ligue à une chaîne de télévision. Souvent, le soir, alors que nous cherchons quels clubs prendre à Football Manager 2012, il tente de me convaincre que Paris ferait un triste champion. J’ai bien du mal à lui répondre. Je ne suis pour rien dans ce désamour ; j’ai pu moi-même l’alimenter, les premiers mois, quand personne ne me faisait confiance. Doit-on continuer d’aimer après avoir été trompé? Même si le PSG m’a blessé, rien ne m’empêchera, si je dois disparaître, de remercier les forces du hasard et d’emporter cette réunion parmi les souvenirs.

“Attendez, j’ai une autre proposition.”

“Et Pastore est d’accord pour jouer un chien?
- Alain Chabat l’a bien fait.
- Oui mais ce n’était pas n’importe qui, Chabat, il jouait dans les Nuls.
- Pastore aussi joue avec des nuls. Quel est le problème, au juste?
- C’est une comédie, non?
demanda Leonardo.
- Exactement. Bodmer est emballé par ce rôle à contre-emploi, à la Schwarzenegger dans “Jumeaux”.
- J’ai peur qu’on se moque de nous.
- C’est déjà le cas, Nasser. Quand j’ai le cafard, je me repasse les changements tactiques d’Ancelotti. Tu savais qu’il a récolté 18/20 dans l’émission de Ruquier?
- Ecoutez monsieur Martin, nos joueurs n’ont pas besoin de ça en ce moment. Je les paye pour marquer des buts et non pour tourner.

- Bougez-pas, j’ai autre chose en stock. Alors… Ah! Voilà!”

“Ce serait un polar. Un drame sociologique. Daniel Auteuil est d’accord pour changer de prénom. Sa carrière bat un peu de l’aile en ce moment.
- Non.”

Avant que le printemps ne vienne, le boulanger de ma rue me servait encore normalement, en me parlant comme si j’étais un débile mental ou une personne âgée. Je n’étais alors qu’un client comme les autres. Lorsqu’il me vit à la télé, apprenant mon métier, il augmenta le prix des pains au chocolat - je ne lui prenais que des pains au chocolat.  Mon boulanger supportait le PSG depuis sa tendre enfance mais il avait fini par ne plus se rendre au Parc, déconcerté par la politique des dirigeants. Il n’avait plus le temps de détester un joueur que déjà ce dernier était remplacé par un autre. Ce club, son club, lui était aujourd’hui totalement indifférent. En me promenant dans le XIXème, je croisais parfois des supporteurs au vocabulaire siffleur, à la fois dépités par l’image que nous renvoyions et ravis par notre deuxième place. Qu’importent les victoires, je ne retiendrai d’eux que la critique.

Leonardo et son boss se creusaient la cervelle pour chercher un moyen d’améliorer l’image du PSG. A trop se préoccuper des autres, se rendaient-ils compte de nos propres divisions? Les relations entre Nene et le reste du groupe n’avaient jamais été aussi fraîches et même Sirigu, un gardien, se permettait des remarques sur Sakho, notre capitaine déchu. En laissant l’équipe à des joueurs de passage, à des invités et non à la famille, nous risquions d’échouer dans des proportions aussi grandes que le naufrage de Waterworld. La large victoire contre Sochaux cachait bien des défaites.

“Hé! sursauta Nasser Al-Khelaifi, on pourrait enregistrer une chanson? Une reprise de We are the Champions ?
- Ce n’est pas un peu précipité? Nous n’avons battu que Sochaux.
- Sinon, j’ai une dernière affiche à vous proposer.”

Leonardo prit la parole en premier.

“C’est la vrai tête d’Antoine? Je pensais que nous l’avions enfermée dans un coffre en Suisse.
- J’aime bien l’idée.
- Allons, Nasser, ne raconte pas n’importe quoi. Tu as vu les chaussures que je porte? Même Roche n’en voudrait pas.
- Qu’en dit Aulas?
- Oh, lui, du moment qu’on lui file un trophée, il est prêt à suivre n’importe qui.
- Très bien.
- Je refuse de jouer là-dedans! Tu veux me faire apparaître comme un salaud?
- Si nous en sommes là, c’est aussi de ta faute. Tu m’as promis des stars qui ne sont jamais venues! Tu m’as promis des grands noms et j’ai eu Charlotte de Turckheim!
- Ca devient un peu lourd les blagues sur le poids d’Alex.
- Puisqu’on doit détester quelque chose au PSG, autant que ce soit toi.”

Pour la première fois depuis bien longtemps, depuis toujours, peut-être, je vis Leonardo douter. Interloqué, il bégaya péniblement ses mots, sans doute des excuses ou des justifications, puis passa sa main dans ses cheveux, comme s’il souhaitait retrouver l’homme qu’il avait toujours été. Après une respiration plus profonde que la normale, il reprit le cours de sa réflexion et se pencha sur les affiches en revenant sur leurs qualités et leurs défauts, en confrontant avec son président ses idées, ses envies, ses assurances, sans jamais revenir sur cette remarque pourtant si significative des troubles récents. Une grande performance d’acteur. Le vrai cinéma.

175 commentaires

  1. Michel Boujenah dit :

    Woa. Juste woah.

  2. Jamie Colmather dit :

    Excellentissime

  3. Fred dit :

    Génial (comme tout le reste).

  4. Giu dit :

    Excellent.
    Mais on écrit “salaud”, pas “salop”…

  5. mimi dit :

    Bon alors je sais qu’au féminin on écrit “salope”, et quona tous aimé “les 12 salopards”, mais bon sang, au masculin on écrit “salaud”! C’est pas compliqué quand-même! Un mot qu’on emploie 15 fois par jour!!! Mes yeux saignent, merde!

  6. maxime dit :

    C’est corrigé

  7. Maxouche dit :

    C’est toujours très bon ! félicitation, et ne te lasse surtout pas, car nous, on s’en lasse pas !
    (j’ai trouvé une petite coquille quand même : “une personnage”… j’imagine que tu étais parti sur “une personne” et que ton esprit a changé de plan tactique pendant que tu l’écrivais…)

  8. Petit-Louis Fernandel dit :

    il se peut que je te pique celle de Chantôme pour ma prochaine académie… ça te dérange pas?

  9. maxime dit :

    Non, tant qu’un lien dirige sur cette page, tu peux prendre

  10. giger24 dit :

    Et on a tout à fait le droit d’écrire “Salop”

  11. Antoine, mais rien à voir avec ton frère dit :

    C’était sur le 7ème art, mais j’ai ri au moins huit fois, merci !

  12. Kris dit :

    Enormissime ! Des allusions discrètes bien trouvées “La large victoire contre Sochaux cachait bien des défaites”

    Le passage sur Lugano au début! mdr
    “Lugano aurait été parfait pour le rôle.
    - Il n’est pas noir.
    - Mais il est en fauteuil roulant.
    - Non plus.
    - Attendez, vous voulez dire qu’il réalise des matches aussi pourris avec l’usage de ses deux jambes?”

  13. vivelelosc dit :

    Intouchables on avait fait la même avec Mavuba et De Melo quand De Melo était à l’infirmerie ;)

    http://img71.xooimage.com/files/a/e/c/intoussables50-31f000d.jpg

  14. Mathilde dit :

    Magnifique

  15. MC Fetz dit :

    Absolument génial.

    Une petite préférence pour SOS Chantôme… . Pourquoi n’y ai-je pas pensé avant?

  16. Mèch Tuyot dit :

    J’ai d’ailleurs cru que tu avais collaboré à cet épisode Ptit Louis, puis j’ai vu l’affiche sur Bodmer.

  17. Jean-Michel Redoublé dit :

    SOS Chantome, created on february 13, 2010…

  18. maxime dit :

    Pardon de n’avoir pas pris la peine de fouiller toutes les archives du web pour vérifier que personne avant Kevin n’a eu l’idée de faire des fausses affiches de film. Le concept me semblait pourtant révolutionnaire.

  19. Lapin compris dit :

    Lurker des CDF, je vous suis depuis le début de votre blog et je n’avais pris la peine de vous remercier pour vos écrits, ni d’évoquer le plaisir que leur lecture procure.

    Voila qui est fait.

    PS : Histoire de pinailler : je suppose qu’il faut lire “rien ne m’empêchera” dans la phrase “Même si le PSG m’a blessé, rien de n’empêchera, si je dois disparaître, de remercier les forces du hasard et d’emporter cette réunion parmi les souvenirs.” ?

  20. novel dit :

    Affiches génialissimes ! J’avais un peu zappé le précéent épisode (pas à cause de sa qualité -toujors excellente- mais pour cause de saturation electorale) et là je me régale à nouveau. Bravo !

  21. Leblogdevern dit :

    Je clame mon admiration : bravo !

  22. BeN dit :

    si vous avez d’autres idées, rejoingnez le groupe ‘Player & Movie Mix’ ;)

    https://www.facebook.com/groups/185529507487/

  23. mimi dit :

    Merci Maxime, maintenant je peux affirmer que j’apprécie énormément cet article, du début à la fin, et ceci sans aucune réserve!

  24. piticoujou dit :

    Maxime, cela faisait plusieurs semaines que j’éprouvais un peu moins d’enthousiasme pour tes billets. Mais là, tu remets la barre très, très haut. Enfin ! Merci !!

  25. maxime dit :

    Qu’est-ce qui te chagrinait mon petit piticoujou ?

  26. Rudy Voleur dit :

    Bravo. Moi j’aime bien l’affiche avec Aulas en short trimbalant son nounours et sa coupe de France…

  27. Kel dit :

    Toujours aussi sympa mais je decroche un peu …
    C’est facile …
    Ca devient lourd en fait…
    Le psg j’en ai rien a battre et j’ai l’impression que ce blog est anti psg version manchester city.. c’est lourd.

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    Thanks Eric.

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    o Creams - When seeking to remove a tattoo, you will hear about tattoo elimination creams that are on the industry nowadays. Even though the value of these creams are reasonably very low (about a hundred bucks), compared to other techniques, you will almost certainly get what you pay out for. Some individuals claim that the creams labored for them. Other folks say the cream faded their tattoo more than time and other individuals say they observed no influence. If you happen to be inclined to roll the dice, tattoo elimination creams may possibly be really worth seeking into. Just maintain in brain that benefits can vary.

    o Cover-ups - A tattoo cover-up entails getting a new, fresh tattoo above your old tattoo. This is not usually possible, and is not always done effectively. For example, you cannot assume to protect up a thick, black tattoo with light-weight ink, or get rid of a big, intricate layout, with out getting a huge, block-like design and style more than it. Some tattoo artists are extremely very good at carrying out include-ups. Nevertheless, you must check with a very regarded artist to see if he thinks it would be successful. Right here, the price of tattoo removal (by means of protect-up) is just the expense of the new tattoo alone.

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    o Excision - Excision is a treatment in which the tattooed skin is reduce off. This is best with little tattoos nevertheless it is a tattoo removal process that can be utilised for even more substantial tattoos. With greater tattoos, you may possibly undertake many the treatment a number of moments. Very first slicing absent the heart of the tattoo and then adhering to up with the outer portions later. Following chopping away the pores and skin and the tattoo, your pores and skin is brought back again collectively in some situations with huge tattoos a pores and skin graft is utilised to cover the eliminated area. Nearby anesthetics are also utilized in this tattoo elimination procedure.

    The most frequent sort of tattoo removal right now is the use of a laser to take away the tattoo. A focused laser is used to split apart the tattoo ink under the surface area of your pores and skin. The rest of your pores and skin remains unharmed and there will not be scarring. Various wavelengths are used for diverse ink hues which signifies the a lot more colourful your tattoo, the far more sophisticated and expensive your laser tattoo removing will be.

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