Le plus dur, au foot, n’est pas de s’asseoir sur le banc. C’est de trouver une place. Avec les nouvelles recrues, nous sommes désormais 27 joueurs professionnels, plus Siaka Tiéné. L’an prochain, le PSG jouera à Saint-Denis et les remplaçants s’installeront en tribune. Il faudra simplement penser à agrandir le Stade de France pour permettre aux supporteurs de suivre le match. « Vous avez réservé? » me demande Hoarau, le maître d’hôtel des lieux, un habitué. « Je vous conseille de vous abonner. Nous faisons des Pass à l’année. » C’est bien la première fois que je vois Hoarau faire des Pass.

1′
Un vestiaire a ses règles. Un banc de touche a les siennes, comme laisser s’asseoir en priorité les personnes âgées. De rien, Sylvain. Même la copine de Chantôme a ses règles. Furieux, le coach demande à ce qu’on vire des sièges tous ceux qui ne font pas partie du club. Exit les parasites. Machinalement, Alain Roche se lève. Ancelotti lui donne l’ordre de revenir, un seau puis une éponge. Visiblement, il compte toujours sur lui. Du banc, mon oeil hésite entre le terrain et le stade. Les chants du public retiennent mon attention. Un ronflement sourd. De quelle tribune vient-il? Bisevac m’apporte la réponse : « C’est Armand. Il est fatigué. C’est normal, à son âge. »

10′
Ceara a envie de pisser mais il préfère se retenir, de peur qu’on lui pique sa place, stratégiquement idéale, à deux encablures d’Ancelotti. Plus tu es positionné près du coach, plus tu a des chances de te faire remarquer ; un peu comme à l’école. Sans doute nostalgique de son court passage au lycée, Hoarau colle le radiateur qu’un stadier vient d’installer en bout de banc. Le froid nous paralyse. Jérôme Bouboule, pyromane à l’Equipe, tente d’allumer les braises mais le feu ne prend pas. Leonardo l’aide en jetant sur le charbon l’ébauche du contrat de Pato. Toujours aussi serviable, Alain Roche propose ses services. Leonardo accepte de bon coeur puis le lance dans les flammèches.

24′
« Quel match, putain quel match! » Réveillé, Sylvain Armand affronte l’Olympique de Pantin sur sa Game Gaer. On s’occupe avec les moyens du bord. Pris par l’ambiance du Parc des sports d’Annecy, Matuidi tape des pieds. Ceara aussi. Il a toujours envie de pisser. J’aime regarder Ancelotti gueuler ses consignes. L’esthétisme. Michel-Ange en survêtement. Son charisme m’a conquis dès le premier jour. Derrière lui, masse informe, brouillonne et désordonnée, les supporteurs se plaignent. La tête de Guillaume Hoarau, 1m92, les empêche de voir la rencontre. Guillaume se lève pour leur parler. Bronca générale. Assis à ma gauche, Chantôme m’explique le foot à chaque offensive. « Nene aurait dû faire ça. Et passer sa balle. » Au PSG, tu apprends davantage en ne jouant pas qu’en étant titulaire à Evian.

34′
Faire semblant de vibrer au moindre corner. Avoir faim. Patienter. Ecouter des millionnaires se plaindre. Je déteste les restaurants branchés, l’attente est insupportable. Matuidi a commandé de l’eau depuis dix minutes mais aucun membre du staff ne réagit. Des recruteurs l’interpellent, nichés dans les gradins. Curieux, Blaise demande à un Indien s’il a un contrat pour lui dans le club de Robert Pirès. Le gars lui explique qu’il vend seulement des roses.

43′
Quoi de plus terrible que de regarder un match sans participer? Je sais pas, par exemple : t’es avec tes potes, une bombasse entre dans la pièce, elle commence à les sucer, tu te fous à poil mais elle t’indique qu’elle est complet. Puis Ribéry entre à son tour. Puis il te dit que c’est sa soeur. Puis tu constates qu’ils ont la même dentition dans la famille. Le plus terrible, c’est ça. Devant mon nez, Guillaume s’ouvre une sucette. Goût cassis. « Slurp. T’en veux une? » Non, le plus terrible, c’est ça. La mi-temps se rapproche. Mes coéquipiers sont dans les startings blocks. Dans deux minutes, le plus rapide à bondir aura le privilège de s’asseoir à la place de son choix dans les vestiaires. Armand court déjà. Nous lui laissons prendre de l’avance.

Fin de la première mi-temps
Sur le banc, près du coach. Volontairement près du coach. Je préfère ne louper aucun de ses commentaires. Sur le tableau noir, il dessine sa vision de la seconde période et tout cela va très vite, si vite que beaucoup de mes coéquipiers abandonnent le cours en route. Son tableau fini, il nous encourage brièvement avant de prendre Nene à part. Entre artistes, ils se comprennent. Intrigué, Ménez se dirige vers le tableau. Il prend sa respiration, saisit le feutre et se met à peindre. Je distingue péniblement deux ronds et des traits parallèles. Que nous invente-t-il? Une tactique révolutionnaire? Il en termine et s’écarte de la toile, le sourire aux lèvres. C’est une bite.

46′
Un gigantesque mollard souille l’unique siège encore disponible. Horizon bouché. J’en profite pour demander l’heure au quatrième arbitre. Il menace de m’expulser si je continue à me montrer grossier. Je m’excuse et ajoute « S’il vous plaît. » Satisfait, il prend son panneau électrique et m’indique l’heure. 20. 03. Chantôme retire son maillot. Sakho se dirige vers la sortie sans comprendre. Il y aura un arbitre au chômage au soir.

52′
Le pire n’est pas le froid mais bien les interventions de l’homme de terrain de Foot+ qui, toutes les cinq minutes, nous rappelle que Montpellier mène contre Brest. A la mi-temps, il avait demandé à Sirigu pourquoi le PSG encaissait autant de buts sur corner. Sirigu avait voulu le frapper mais notre gardien avait manqué son coup ; ceci expliquant sans doute cela. L’enquiquineur accoste désormais Douchez : « Toi, tu l’aurais arrêté, ce but, hein? » Douchez cherche son agent du regard. Bisevac se lève et le course sur une vingtaine de mètres. Et il le rattrape. Ouais. Bisevac. Faut dire qu’il est lourd, l’autre.

58′
Finalement, Leonardo a nettoyé le crachat avec l’amicale participation d’Alain Roche – de sa chemise, plus précisément. Le débarbouillage a laissé apparaître une inscription ancienne, un hiéroglyphe mystérieux :  » Sammy Traoré – 2006-2011. » La crainte de voir ma famille maudite sur six générations me pousse à rester debout. Ancelotti est en pourparlers avec l’agent de Motta, Giuseppe Gredino, qui aimerait voir son client s’échauffer. Le coach s’en sort par une pirouette et demande à ses remplaçants de se lever, tous, Motta compris. Ils essayent. En vain. Avec le froid, leurs derrières sont scotchées au siège. Je m’échauffe donc seul. Occasion de Govou. Ce n’est pas une vanne.

65′
J’entame mon huitième tour de terrain. Le coach m’a oublié. Question de priorité : il faut décongeler les culs de mes coéquipiers. Hoarau insulte les supporteurs adverses pour récupérer des bouteilles dont il n’obtient que les bouchons. Les salauds. Heureusement, Alain Roche a une idée. Il saisit son seau et s’en sert pour arroser le banc. Je passe devant eux. Cette flotte a un parfum bizarre. En pleurs, Ceara se confesse : « J’en pouvais plus d’attendre! »

74′
S’étirer devant un public qui vous applaudit mais vous sifflera dès votre entrée en jeu constitue l’un des paradoxes du remplaçant. Il n’aime pas l’être. Il a souvent peur au moment de pénétrer sur le terrain. Ancelotti m’appelle. Il y a trop de bruits, je ne le comprends pas. Je dois m’adapter au contexte, aux consignes et aux partenaires. Par définition, un remplaçant est inadapté. Sur mes premiers ballons je m’efforce de jouer simple, contrôle, passe, deux touches de balle maximum. Je me rends disponible. Je suis celui qui doit faire la différence quand les autres ont abdiqué. Et si j’échoue, on me fera sentir mon inutilité. Pour un peu, il est préférable de rester sur son banc, les pieds dans la pisse, un mollard à portée de bras.

84′

On pourrait croire que le Parc des Princes sonnerait creux sans ses plus fervents supporteurs. Il n’en est rien et chaque ballon touché me transporte en plein milieu d’un concert de métal. Peu après mon entrée le club a pris l’avantage. « T’es notre porte-bonheur », m’a lancé Bodmer. Les footballeurs sont superstitieux. Tant mieux. Les passes redoublent. La victoire est à nous, les techniciens s’amusent. Le rythme m’enivre. J’ai mal à la tête mais je parviens à suivre. Vue du banc. Les remplaçants m’observent. Le ballon allait plus lentement quand j’étais avec eux.

90′
Voilà, j’ai fini. J’ai marqué le troisième but. Un truc de fou. Au coup de sifflet final les gars se sont dirigés vers moi. J’ai eu l’impression d’être Zidane. Je serre des mains. Je cherche un maillot de valeur à offrir à mon frère. Sagbo est tout proche. Non. Rippert. Non plus. Govou ? Trop tard, Motta s’est précipité. Nous quittons la pelouse. Au loin, à l’écart de la foule, je vois Jérôme Leroy qui fume sa clope. Peut-être toujours la même. Timidement, je lui demande son tee-shirt. « Pour mon frère », lui dis-je. « Ah ouais. Ton frère. Antoine, c’est ça? Que devient-il? » C’est ça. C’est dingue. C’était un match au Parc.

51 commentaires

  1. piticoujou dit :

    Joli but Kevin – et magnifique billet Maxime, à mon avis ton plus drôle depuis le début de l’année. Merci !

  2. nom dit :

    il faut désormais mettre l’âge à jour sur la fiche !

  3. maxime dit :

    Je vois qu’on lâche rien ! Pire que Bisevac

  4. A la gloire de Coco Michel dit :

    « l’homme à la cigarette »…

  5. novel dit :

    encore un petit bijou, on a vraiment l’impression d’être sur (et en dehors) du terrain : j’ai même failli en choper des engelures.

  6. Lami dit :

    Il se passe des choses importantes ! J Leroy se souvient du frère de Kevin sans hésiter, et Kevin marque le but de la victoire… Pas mal pour lui tout ça !

  7. Micka dit :

    Celui ci avait tout: folie, scénario, blagues incongrues, et un but! Merci

  8. Thonyv03 dit :

    Continue c’est tjr un plaisir!!!!

  9. C. Moa dit :

    Le coup de l’arbitre à la 46′ est ma préférée du jour. Merci, vivement le livre !

  10. Vincent dit :

    “Je vous conseille de vous abonner. Nous faisons des Pass à l’année.” C’est bien la première fois que je vois Hoarau faire des Pass.

    Euh Kévin… C’est pas sur ton chemin du retour de l’entrainement, la bois de Boulogne ?

  11. Zeek dit :

    Encore un super billet. Mais qu’est ce qu’on va se faire chier si Kevin est titulaire ! Plus personne pour nous raconter les frasques de Chantôme et d’Hoarau sur le banc… Vivement la suite en tout cas !

  12. Mithrandir dit :

    Tellement en symbiose avec les commentaires du week-end; magnifique.
    Total respect
    😉 😉 😉 😉

  13. Chic dit :

    « Puis Ribéry entre à son tour… » . Excellent ! Bravo pour ce blog !

  14. Bobby dit :

    Excellent billet, un des meilleurs assurément!

  15. owenthesaints dit :

    excellent un vrai plaisir, une autre vision du psg pour la France d’en bas.

  16. la menace chantôme dit :

    La Super Classe.

    Je vais me faire floquer un maillot à ton nom

  17. Lami dit :

    …Maintenant Ancelotti il l’a son K.K. Pas la peine de le faire venir de Madrid.

  18. Anonyme dit :

    Un excellent billet un de meilleurs !!

    J’aurais aimé qu’on insiste sur le coté ville de merde d’annecy evian de thonon et de gaillard et de chamonix et de la savoie, vu que la semaine derniere on a eu une insulte gratuite de la ville d’amiens qui avait rien demandé et qui le merité pas du tout…

  19. Rom1 dit :

    « Que nous invente-t-il? Une tactique révolutionnaire? Il en termine et s’écarte de la toile, le sourire aux lèvres. C’est une bite »
    En plus, je le vois bien ce petit sourire

  20. Marcelo Salace dit :

    Excellent billet en effet, le paragraphe avec le juge arbitre est très réussi en particulier !
    Sans parler de la facétie de Ménez …

  21. DidierF dit :

    Eh bien… Magnifique.

    (Je ne sais pas où l’écrire, je le mets ici : dans le paragraphe 90′, corrigez ce « Je sers des mains », s’il vous plaît.)

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  29. thoushippiz dit :

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    o Changing body kinds – Your fat is no for a longer time what it employed to be. You have possibly misplaced a whole lot or gained a lot. It can also be that you have been functioning out and place on a lot of muscle mass. On the other hand, maybe you have just merely gotten mature and your pores and skin has loosened, wrinkled and/or sagged.

    o Breakups – We all know a person, or a pal of a buddy who tattooed « Jessica » on his shoulder only break up with her a month later on.

    o Changing views – Probably you were a rebellious teen creating a fearless assertion on a positive problem, but because then you’re older and have modified some of your views. That symbol you tattooed on you arm is no longer an concern.

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    o Salabrasion – Salabrasion is a fairly old strategy that truly entails sanding off your tattoo lined pores and skin. Anesthetic is administered to the region and then salt water is used whilst your pores and skin is vigorously rubbed. Certainly, this is as painful as it appears and is probably to cause scarring.

    o Dermabrasion – With dermabrasion you are once more basically sanding off your skin. Anesthetic is also used in this kind of tattoo removal. Following that, a solution is applied (or easy ice packs are used) to the tattooed skin that freezes the area. A hand-held rotary instrument is then utilised to scrape absent the top layers of skin on the location. Due to the naturel of the procedure there will probably be bleeding as nicely as scarring.

    o Excision – Excision is a process where the tattooed skin is lower off. This is easiest with modest tattoos nevertheless it is a tattoo removal procedure that can be utilized for even more substantial tattoos. With more substantial tattoos, you might go through many the procedure several times. Initial chopping away the heart of the tattoo and then next up with the outer parts later on. Right after chopping absent the pores and skin and the tattoo, your pores and skin is brought again collectively in some situations with huge tattoos a pores and skin graft is utilized to go over the taken out region. Regional anesthetics are also utilised in this tattoo removal procedure.

    The most prevalent type of tattoo removing right now is the use of a laser to take away the tattoo. A targeted laser is used to break aside the tattoo ink underneath the surface of your pores and skin. The relaxation of your skin continues to be unharmed and there will not be scarring. Different wavelengths are employed for various ink colors which means the far more colourful your tattoo, the more complicated and expensive your laser tattoo removal will be.

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    For more substantial, thicker, much more intricate and much more colourful tattoos, you may possibly have to have up to 10 periods to get your tattoo completely eliminated. Periods can range in value anyplace from $one hundred to in excess of $1,000, most very likely falling in the $four hundred-$500 variety. With laser tattoo elimination a numbing agent can be employed beforehand if needed, even though most say it is a fairly painless tattoo elimination procedure. One draw back to laser tattoo removal is naturally the expense of tattoo removal by itself, as well as how prolonged the comprehensive process can acquire. Personal periods need to have to be spaced out to allow appropriate time to heal.

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