Antoine Kombouaré fut licencié le 22 décembre. Le 23, le PSG convia ses joueurs, leurs agents, leurs comptables, les membres de leur famille – dans cet ordre, selon la disponibilité des places – à un arbre de Noël. Ma mère déclara rapidement forfait. Accaparé par une mission d’intérim, mon frère l’imita très vite. Hoarau, Sirigu, Sissoko, Chantôme, Bisevac, Matuidi, Nene et Ceara se firent tour à tour porter pâles. Jallet rentra chez lui, Gameiro et Bodmer en boîte de nuit. Leurs absences conjuguées poussèrent Leonardo à aménager une pièce du Camp des Loges plus petite, plus intimiste, moins chaleureuse. Ce ne fut pas un arbre de Noël. Ce fut un bonsaï de Noël.

Le 30, nous nous envolâmes à destination du Qatar où nous devions enterrer Kombouaré et l’année 2011. Son successeur se montra le lendemain, une heure avant le coup d’envoi d’une rencontre amicale disputée au Google Chrome Arena, bijou technologique de quatre-vingt-dix mille places surplombant le désert. Durant sa causerie, Carlo Ancelotti nous expliqua s’attendre à une défaite avec au moins deux penaltys généreusement accordés par l’arbitre ; l’équipe adverse, propriété d’un ami de l’émir, ne pouvait se permettre de perdre la face. Nous nous inclinâmes quatre buts à trois. Le troisième penalty fut transformé par un spectateur tiré au sort à la mi-temps : à l’aide du joystick implanté à son siège, le veinard plaça le ballon télécommandé en bas à droite des cages de Sirigu.

Ce lundi 2 janvier, nous découvrons l’académie Aspire, l’INSEP local, l’usine à champions programmés pour la Coupe du Monde de 2022 organisée au pays. À l’extérieur du dôme, un match réunissant les meilleurs élèves sert de démonstration. « Ils viennent d’horizons variés. Les Ivoiriens sont les plus nombreux. Ils en veulent. La plupart seront naturalisés », me confie Hakim, un médecin passé par le PSG et le Stade Français. Le terrain synthétique facilite les contrôles de balle. Un Arabe tente de dribbler un défenseur mais il se fait chiper son bien puis mettre à terre d’un coup d’épaule. Hakim me devine songeur. « T’as remarqué, hein ? Les Qataris sont dépassés par l’engagement physique des Africains. Ils n’ont pas la rage, ces gosses. Ils ont trop été habitués au confort. » À leur décharge, il est difficile de se motiver pour percer comme footballeur professionnel quand tu peux devenir du jour au lendemain président de club et recruter tes joueurs préférés.

Un but est marqué. Nous applaudissons poliment. Des cheikhs nous imitent avant d’avancer vers l’un de nos préparateurs physiques. Ils lui disent bonjour, le confondant avec un joueur. Nene, le meilleur buteur de l’équipe, intervient pour réparer cette étourderie et signer les autographes réclamés. Je tourne la tête de gauche à droite pour chercher des supporteurs mais n’en distingue aucun. J’ai tendance à croire Hakim quand il me dit que ce qu’il manque à ce pays si riche, au fond, c’est l’émotion. Le football en apporte. Il est rassembleur. Tout près de tribunes en béton, un échafaudage annonce des travaux d’envergure. Alors que mes coéquipiers se dirigent vers le complexe en traînant la jambe, je me rapproche d’un camion qui déverse du gravier dans un trou énorme. Des ouvriers se font engueuler par leur chef de chantier. M’apercevant, le contremaître cesse de les apostropher et s’adresse à Hakim. « Qu’est-ce tu fais là ? Allez, suis-moi », me corrige ce dernier. Je jette un dernier regard sur ces hommes battus. De la main, ils me saluent avec un mélange de tendresse et de panique.

Les conditions d’entraînement à l’académie font franchement rêver. Chaque jeune est suivi par un diététicien, un préparateur technique et un médecin particulier. Hakim nous explique le fonctionnement de ce caisson antigravité qui permet à son utilisateur amoché de ne ressentir que 20 % de son poids et ainsi de pouvoir courir, malgré la blessure, sur le tapis roulant. À l’étage, les chambres d’altitude, au niveau d’oxygène raréfié, simulent une plongée à quatre mille cinq cents mètres sous l’eau. Cinq minutes de marche sont nécessaires pour atteindre le laboratoire de chimie et de microbiologie. Au centre de clonage, un ancien attaquant du Real Madrid, aujourd’hui en pré-retraite, est attaché à un brancard. Des scientifiques lui plantent des seringues dans l’arrière-train. Un chercheur étudie des amibes au microscope. « Nous essayons de créer le footballeur parfait. Nous prélevons sur ce monsieur les fameuses gênes du buteur. » Le futur du football est au Qatar mais il vaut mieux que le football l’ignore.

Mes coéquipiers sont partis. Ne sachant où aller, je descends dans le hall. La lumière des lustres aveugle si puissamment l’entrée que les formes sont des mirages. Leonardo discute avec un Qatari. Dissimulé derrière une brochette de plantes artificielles, je ne loupe rien de leur conversation.

« L’équipe du cheikh ne marque pas assez. Il nous faut un attaquant.

– Kohler est plutôt doué.

– Est-il intéressé pour venir jouer au Qatar ?

– Nous le payons mal.

– Alors il le sera.

– Peut-être.

– Combien veux-tu pour le transfert ?

– Nous verrons ça plus tard, Houssam. Et ne parle pas si fort. »

Un transfert au Qatar ?

Notre tour, trois cents mètres de haut, projette des faisceaux bleus et verts. À son sommet, un halo jaune vif concurrence le soleil. L’hôtel ressemble à un pénis multicolore, comme frappé de maladies exotiques. Je lui tourne le dos. Des chauffeurs de taxis me hèlent dans un anglais bancal. Trente-huit degrés. Aux terrasses, l’eau est plus cher que le litre de super. Les plats des restaurants n’ont pas d’identité propre : ils sont américains, italiens, français ou espagnols ; ils dégagent des arômes similaires et rassurants pour plaire au plus grand nombre. J’espère trouver de la nourriture locale en me dirigeant vers un souk. Des vieillards fument une shisha à l’intérieur d’une maison en bois. Une odeur de poissons emplit la rue. À l’aide d’un marteau, des femmes concassent des crabes. Les commerçants brocantent des casseroles, des marteaux, des CD, des épices. Un casque militaire m’intrigue. Soixante euros. Le marchandage dure plusieurs minutes. Je l’obtiens à soixante-quinze. Les étrangers se promènent manteau noué autour du cou, les poches ballantes. Ils ne semblent pas se méfier d’éventuels pickpockets. Un vendeur tente de me refourguer un équipement artisanal pour monter à dos de chameau. Il n’est pas très cher. J’ai cinq mille euros en liquide. Je le prends et l’essaye sur la plage voisine. Le balancement de l’animal est marqué. Je contracte les muscles pour ne pas tomber. La surface de la mer est lisse, satinée, seulement éclaboussée par l’ombre des immeubles et les vibrations d’un obèse sortant des flots. Revenant vers le City Center, le plus grand centre commercial de Doha, je vois des sourires sortir des gratte-ciels. L’existence est si simple, ici, agréable par instant. Je gare mon chameau sur la place prévue à cet effet. La tour paraît soudain un peu moins élevée. Mes coéquipiers ont préféré rester dans leur chambre plutôt que de visiter cet endroit. Ils doivent probablement se goinfrer de dattes. Je ne les comprends pas. Ils auront le temps de ne rien faire lorsqu’ils seront à Paris. J’ai l’impression qu’ils se satisfont du vide.

Une berline s’arrête. Une femme de petite taille, chinoise ou japonaise, en sort avec son fils. Foulard rose sur l’épaule. Sac à main doré. Bijoux fantaisies. Elle s’approche d’un magasin, reluque les dernières nouveautés – des godes et des œufs vibrants, essentiellement – puis crache sur le trottoir. Elle remonte dans la voiture après avoir embrassé le chauffeur sur la bouche. Son enfant se penche à son tour sur la boutique érotique, l’attention captée par les vagins artificiels. Il hésite. Il pourrait entrer à l’intérieur du magasin que sa maman, occupée à téléphoner, ne le remarquerait pas. Finalement, il choisit de s’en aller. Il aurait pu entrer pour échapper à la rue, à ce luxe et à la tronche de l’acteur Robert Pattinson collée aux panneaux publicitaires mais, de toutes ces vulgarités, il préféra sa mère.

66 commentaires

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    « Tout a été fait pour attirer la foule. A l’entrée, tout à l’heure, on distribuait des sous-vêtements Armani. Cela change du Parc, où l’on ne propose que les slips d’Armand. »

    Quelle punchline, mes amis! Bravo Maxime, ce blog est devenu un rendez-vous hebdomadaire que je ne voudrais manquer pour rien au monde! J’espere que Kevin trouvera sa place dans l »effectif Parisien et qu’il ne succombera pas aux sirènes Quataries! KEEP UP

  2. Zeek dit :

    Très joli billet, foot, science-fiction (ou pas ?), que du bonheur !
    Monsieur, vous êtes définitivement un pu***n d’écrivain !

  3. K-BeZa dit :

    Très heureux de constater que les quataris ont des Xbox 🙂

    Le billet le plus déjanté (et un des meilleurs), de la série.

  4. Anonyme dit :

    Je suis fan!!!

  5. novel dit :

    mon préféré, et le plus amer, surréaliste et pourtant si près de la vérité de tous les billets (d’où ma préférence). Les plus beaux chants d’amour (au football) sont les plus desespérés… »Le futur du football est au Qatar. Mais il vaut mieux que le football l’ignore. » : tout est dit. Le PSG veut recruter Kaka ? Qu’il embauche plutôt K.K.

  6. Rom1 dit :

    J’imagine que tu dois être triste : « Mathilde » Barbera a été viré.

    Bien joué pour Hakim, t’es documenté 😉

  7. mercato dit :

    très beau billet, Bravo Kevin, une qualité d’ecriture sans nom!

    « Le futur du football est au Qatar. Mais il vaut mieux que le football l’ignore. »

  8. Soccerliar dit :

    « Tiens saviez-vous qu’il était également footballeur ? »
    Aha, pauvre Beckham.

  9. zicomaster dit :

    Et un bijou de plus, UN !!!! BRAVO.

  10. Ratus dit :

    Celle dont cette Mathilde est inspirée est toujours très bien en poste, crois-moi.

  11. Puel For Life dit :

    Beaucoup de talent ce Kévin. Juste, c’est un peu dur pour les Qataris. Je n’ai jamais visité cette partie du monde, alors je ne peux pas juger, mais ça me semble sévère. Des sex shops on en a aussi. Je ne pense pas qu’ils soient plus décadents ou vulgaires que nous, si ?

  12. Rom1 dit :

    Ratus : en tout cas, Mathias Barbera, attaché de presse, s’est fait dégager

  13. jmv dit :

    Matthias ne s’est pas fait dégager, il a été engagé par la FIA!
    Bon vent à lui

  14. Rom1 dit :

    Ah ben merci de me l’apprendre, tant mieux pour lui

  15. iPee dit :

    Un cynisme atroce, mais toujours aussi rafraîchissant. Maxime, si pour une raison ou une autre tu écris « pour de bon », n’hésite pas à transmettre l’info.

    Par contre, ce billet évoquant un départ au Qatar a un ignoble relent de fin de blog… J’espère qu’il n’en est rien !

  16. okepi dit :

    d ailleur c’etait pas Dubai (sorry)

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