Soudain, alors que les coéquipiers balançaient des grenades lacrymogènes pour ralentir l’afflux des Marseillais vers le car de l’équipe, j’ai eu envie d’aller aux toilettes. Comme ça, sans prévenir. Comme un tacle par derrière de Stéphane Mbia “Kevin, c’est pas le moment!” a gueulé Matuidi. C’est jamais le moment avec eux.

Tu le sais sans doute mais au Vélodrome l’un des urinoirs est tapissé de photos de Fabrice Fiorèse. C’est le seul où tu n’as pas les pieds dans la pisse ; comme si ses utilisateurs ne manquaient jamais leur cible. J’ai essayé de faire vite. Ca ne venait pas. J’ai pensé aux chutes Salto Angel, les plus hautes du monde. Ca ne venait pas. J’ai agité mon zboub en pensant à un robinet, puis à un robinet d’eau tiède, puis à une interview de Lionel Messi. Ca ne venait toujours pas. Puis j’ai entendu du bruit. Des supporteurs marseillais. Instinctivement, je me suis caché dans les toilettes réservés aux handicapés.

“Hé, y a pas comme une odeur de merde?”

Démasqué.

“Y a quelqu’un?”

Un polo bleu avec des tâches de vomi orange traînait sur le sol. Comme le car allait bientôt partir, j’ai enlevé mon survêtement PSG et j’ai enfilé cette immondice avec le même dégoût qu’Anna Nicole Smith essayant son milliardaire de mari le jour de sa nuit de noce. En sortant des chiottes, les deux supporteurs m’ont pris dans les bras. “Oh putain! Mec, venir avec le maillot Third, t’es un vrai, toi! Viens, on t’emmène chez Jéjé.” Le Vélodrome s’était vidé de sa raison d’être. Ne restaient que quelques fanatiques et ma pauvre personne entraînée vers l’inconnu, contemplant cette place de parking vide que l’équipe, ne pouvant plus de m’attendre, avait abandonné.

Ensuite? Ensuite, eh bien les loustics m’ont conduit jusqu’à un bar d’aspect insalubre, des grappes de raisin plein la figure, refuge aménagé d’amas de bibelots, répliques de trophées, véritable Coupe de la Ligue 2010 servant de cendrier, sculptures éparses et difformes, quinze chaises maximum. Des types priaient autour d’une petite table ; dessus, fixée sur un cadre et éclairée par des bougies aux couleurs de l’OM, une icône représentait Didier Drogba  ”Un jour, m’a dit l’un des fidèles, il viendra nous sauver. Notre guide suprême, le grand Matxifouth, l’a encore annoncé ce matin.”‘ A l’opposé de la pièce, un gars aux cheveux blancs et longs jouait aux fléchettes. Il prenait une photo de Deschamps pour cible. ”Un jour, je viserai juste. Quand j’arrêterai de boire. Ha ha ha! Enchanté, René Malleville.”

Il se présenta comme le supporteur de l’OM le plus connu de la ville.

Faux! lui répondit un poivreau accoudé au comptoir. Le plus connu, c’est Tonini.
– En France, peut-être! Mais pas à Marseille! Pas à Marseille!

Malleville observa mon polo bleu et orange.

Oh putain! Le maillot de Champion’s League! T’as des couilles de te balader avec ça. Une sacrée paire de couilles. Jéjé, laisse-nous descendre au QG. Le gamin mérite de savoir.
– René, sans le mot de passe, tu sais bien que…
– Mais va chier chez ta mère!
– C’est correct. Allez-y.

Tu m’écoutes toujours? Ok. Bon, les escaliers nous ont conduit à un sous-sol insalubre, refuge aménagé d’amas de bibelots, répliques de trophées, véritable Coupe de la Ligue 2011 servant de crachoir, sculptures éparses et difformes, vingt chaises maximum. Des types dansaient autour d’un totem à l’effigie de Didier Drogba. En passant devant le comptoir, j’ai demandé : “C’est pas exactement le même bar qu’en haut?” Malleville a répondu : ”Pas du tout. C’est comme les frères Ayew. Tu crois qu’ils se ressemblent mais l’un des deux n’existe que pour faire diversion.”

Au Quartier Général, m’a-t-il expliqué, se nouaient les intrigues de palais, les grèves des encouragements et les communiqués officiels envoyés aux journalistes.

“Je me réfugie ici quand ma femme me trompe.
– Ta femme ?
– L’OM. Ma femme, c’est l’OM, et elle me trompe souvent. Hein Jéjé?
– Ouais mon René. Sans l’OM, on serait tous en train de boire à l’espoir d’une vie meilleure.
– C’est pas ce que vous faites déjà?
– Oh, putain, petit! Tu nous insultes là! Attention, tu vas finir en supporteur parisien, hein! Ha ha ha!
– Euh…
– Allez, panique pas. T’es pas un parigot. Et puis bon, sans eux, on s’emmerderait un peu. Pas vrai Jéjé?
– Ouais. On gueule, on dit de la merde, on s’occupe, quoi. On entretient la tradition. Comme le foot ne nous fait plus vibrer, on vibre tout seul.
–  C’est devenu chiant, le foot. Alors on se sègue
.”

Et puis, je te raconte la suite : alors que tout ce beau monde cherchait un moyen pour que l’Europe parle à nouveau marseillais (“demander à Tapie de revenir” ; “organiser une Ligue des Champions entre clubs des Bouches-du-Rhône” ; “enseigner le Marseillais dans les universités d’Oxford, de Milan et de Munich”), Malleville a proposé de faire virer Deschamps. Malgré la victoire face au PSG, 3-0. “Parce que bon, tu comprends, maintenant qu’il se croit tranquille, on va pouvoir se le faire par surprise.” Un type a alors appelé un type et, dix minutes plus tard, le type en question – pas le premier, le second. Tu me suis? – est entré dans le sous-sol et a étalé sur la table une carte Michelin des environs de Londres.

“Voici l’immeuble où vit Drogba. Cinquième étage. Un hélicoptère. On vole à hauteur de la fenêtre de sa cuisine, j’entre, je le kidnappe et on le ramène à la Commanderie. Quelqu’un sait conduire un hélicoptère?
– Oh putain, Anigo! T’écoutes pas quand on te cause au téléphone? On bosse sur Ze Deschamps Project, là. ”

Ze Deschamps Project, comme ils me l’ont expliqué, c’est la révolte du peuple envers les puissants, la revanche du romantisme sur le pragmatisme, le retour au football champagne, au respect des valeurs du club, un hymne à la vie, à l’amour, en gros, voilà. Je sais, ils m’ont pas expliqué très bien. Mais va expliquer des trucs, toi, après trois verres d’alcool.

“Ze Deschamps project? Ouais, j’ai aussi un plan pour ça, a enchaîné Anigo. Je sais où il habite, Didier. Troisième étage. Un hélicoptère. On…
– Oh putain, tu me casses les couilles avec tes hélicoptères.”

Tu vas pas le croire, mais dès qu’il a dit ça, Marco Simone a pénétré à son tour dans la pièce en mettant son retard sur le compte des bouchons. Il tenait une caisse de dynamites. Lui aussi voulait faire sauter Deschamps. Derrière lui, en file indienne, se tenait respectivement Gérard Houllier – “J’ai entendu parler d’une conspiration. Je peux rendre service?” -, David Ginola – “J’ai entendu Gérard Houllier. Je peux lui casser la gueule?” – et une cagole à la poitrine refaite – “faites pas attention à moi, j’ai juste suivi Ginola.” En gros, tout le monde voulait se taper tout le monde.

J’ai commencé à perdre vraiment le fil quand Anigo s’est mis à évoquer “Ze Gignac Project“. Il avait reçu un appel d’un certain Michel Seducci, dit “Le Lillois”, qui se disait prêt à offrir dix briques à celui qui lui ramènerait Gignac, mort ou vif, jeudi matin chez lui. ‘‘Une histoire perso, j’sais pas trop quoi, un pré-contrat non respecté.” Gignac se faisait très discret depuis ses démêlés avec la presse et la justice. Malleville avait fait surveiller tous les McDo de la ville, sans résultat. Anigo proposait d’utiliser un hélicoptère. Il fallait juste attendre que l’engin revienne de Londres. Il se faisait tard, je me suis barré doucement. Et c’est ainsi que j’en suis venu à louer cette chambre minable dans cet hôtel pourri et à te parler de tout ça derrière ce mur en carton. Tu le crois, toi, que Deschamps peut sauter? Tu le crois?
“Ouais, je veux bien le croire. Quand Marseille te rejette, de toute façon, y a plus rien à faire. Je suis bien placé pour le savoir : ça fait presque une semaine que je me planque ici, moi.
– Ah ouais? T’as fait quoi ? C’est quoi ton prénom?
– André-Pierre. Je joue pour l’OM.
– Oh putain.”

Il toussa.

“Et tu… tu… Tu fais quelque chose, jeudi?”

43 commentaires

  1. Casimirian dit :

    Encore un grand numéro, chapeau!!
    “Il avait reçu un appel d’un certain Michel Seducci, dit “Le Lillois”, qui se disait prêt à offrir dix briques à celui qui lui ramènerait Gignac, mort ou vif, jeudi matin chez lui. ‘‘Une histoire perso, j’sais pas trop quoi, un pré-contrat non respecté.” “

  2. novel dit :

    surréaliste et pourtant réaliste… toujours grand, bravo !

  3. seb dit :

    Le meilleur de la série pour moi. Bravo.

  4. regis dit :

    Tout simplement enorme.
    Le passage sur Simone, Houiller, Ginola et la cagole est mythique

  5. hélico dit :

    le meilleur, c’est clair, il est puissant du début à la fin, bravo.
    l’OM inspire aussi, on dirait. ^^

  6. Jib dit :

    C’est vrai que plus ça va et meilleur c’est. Tant dans le style que dans l’ambiance.

  7. Luke Seafer dit :

    Ah ouais, sûrement l’un des meilleurs. Chapeau Kevin.

  8. iPee dit :

    Un excellent divertissement. Merci Maxime. Faire de Marseille et l’OM un quasi-Chicago sous la prohibition, c’est magnifique.

  9. Mèch Tuyot dit :

    vivement le début du mercato que tu lances des rumeurs foireuses, c’est tellement bien écrit que il y a bien 2 ou 3 sites pourris qui vont vraiment penser que tu es un jeune du PSG et que tes infos sont sérieuses.

  10. AimeCi dit :

    Tiens, une question pour toi Kévin, tu penses quoi de ce qu’écrit Barnabé la Plume sur Hors-jeu.net sur ton club ?
    Une collaboration entre vous deux est-elle envisageable ?
    Es-tu une de ses sources ou l’inverse ?
    ps : toujours aussi agréable à lire, je suis limite excité à chaque fois que je vois que tu postes un nouveau billet…

  11. Leblogdevern dit :

    De meilleur en meilleur !

  12. Kevin Kohler dit :

    @aimeCi

    Barnabé doit avoir ses entrées à L’équipe pour si bien retranscrire le cynisme du monde journalistique parisien. Moi, je me contente d’avoir mes entrées à l’équipe. Je le lis durant les matches, sur le banc ou dans les tribunes. Je le lis assez souvent, donc.

    Je n’ai jamais collaboré – prend la voix de Jean Moulin – avec Horsjeu.net

    Oui, s’il parle de moi et rejoins mon fan club, il aura droit à une mention spéciale, j’imagine.

  13. Cantona pour un il y en a pour deux dit :

    Génial ! merci

  14. OM1993 dit :

    je trouve ça complètement nul, gratuit et pathétique

  15. Cck dit :

    Le commentaire de OM1993 est magnifique, j’en ris encore !

  16. Thony03200 dit :

    Toujours aussi plaisant

  17. Zeek dit :

    Encore un super billet, bravo

  18. Frank Ribéry dit :

    Cet épisode est beaucoup meilleur que les autres qui eux même était déja vachement super, c’est dire l’excellentitude du bordel.

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    Wow. These are all fun and calming at the same time. Definitely eye candy! Many thanks for sharing!

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