Une substance tirant vers le rose recouvre le pan d’un mur. Leonardo demande à Alain Roche de lui humidifier l’index puis pose son doigt, une fois mouillé, sur la matière. « On dirait de la fraise », commente notre directeur sportif. « C’est de la framboise », corrige Élise Bussaglia, joueuse de l’équipe féminine. Dressée à ma droite comme une douzaine de ses coéquipières, elle tient dans sa main un tube de rouge à lèvres décapuchonné. Le soleil tape. Flotte dans l’air le son lancinant d’un harmonica qu’on effeuille. Du coude, Leonardo ordonne à son adjoint d’arrêter de souffler. Je fixe comme à mon habitude la poitrine de Laure Boulleau, une blonde toute menue ; son t-shirt porte l’inscription LE RESPECT OU LA GREVE.
« Qu’est-ce qu’il y a ? Vous avez vos règles ? interroge Leonardo, s’avançant sur l’herbe.
– Il n’y en a que pour les garçons ! On a dû recevoir l’Olympique Lyonnais à Créteil ! À Créteil !
– Bah… Créteil, c’est comme Boulogne-Billancourt, non ?
– Assez d’excuses ! Le respect ou la grève ! »
Sous ses airs de dandy éclairé, Leonardo a une conception toute sud-américaine de l’égalité homme-femme, un mélange de jalousie extrême et de pieds sous la table.
« Mesdames, allons… Restez calmes…
– Nous avons dû changer de vestiaire !
– Ce sont les balais qui vous gênent ?
– Nous voulons un endroit rien qu’à nous !
– Ouvrez une boutique de vêtements.
– Quel macho !
– Je suis tout sauf sexiste ! Ma mère est une femme !
– Le respect ou la grève ! »
Entreposées sur le balcon, les petites amies des joueurs – les « Wags », comme les appelle la presse – se recoiffent. Le lieu leur sert de quartier général. Avant le début de chaque entraînement, elles se disputent les chaises pliantes les mieux orientées par rapport au soleil. Les plus mignonnes ont tâté de la télévision berlusconienne et aspirent à un glorieux destin de présentatrice sur TF1 ; au mieux, elles animeront Le journal du Hard. L’épaisseur du carnet d’adresse de Sylvia la rend très influente. Elle connaît personnellement des ministres du gouvernement Fillon. Camille, l’unique rousse du plateau, physique à la Bayer Leverkusen, a rencontré son compagnon alors qu’il démarrait sa carrière à Niort. Elle l’a suivi jusqu’à Paris. J’aime regarder son profil Facebook avant de m’endormir. Née le 16 juin 1984. Aime Bref et Les Enfoirés. A deviné Rolling In The Deep sur SongPop. Album Halloween 2010. Samantha, la copine de Jérémy Ménez, est moins généreuse : elle a limité l’accès à ses photos. « Vous allez la fermer, les pouffiasses ? » crie-t-elle à destination des rebelles, avant de sortir un sein en silicone de son soutien-gorge et de l’envoyer au visage d’Élise. La jeune femme, aveuglée par le projectile, tombe à terre. Chahut dans l’assistance. Des joueurs reculent d’un pas, Roche se cache sous une Mercedes. Laure relève son amie et sonne la révolte : « Vous voulez la guerre, les pétasses ? Vous nous faites pas peur ! Même au foot, on est plus bonnes que vous ! »
Parfois, quand je m’ennuie, lorsque les titulaires sont rentrés chez eux et qu’ils ne restent que les pupilles, il m’arrive de regarder les filles s’entraîner. Je suis souvent l’unique spectateur de leurs échauffements. Elles ont accueilli Lyon à Créteil et Francfort au Stade Charléty parce que les dirigeants réservent aux hommes la pelouse du Parc des Princes. Elles sont les anonymes du club le plus puissant de France. Du Qatar, nous avons hérité du pétrole et elles du sable. Le pétrole salit davantage. Le football de haut niveau est un monde d’hommes car il faut être un homme pour accepter de vivre dans la saleté. Je la comprenais, Laure, j’étais même un peu comme elle. Je ne courais pas derrière la reconnaissance. Je voulais simplement exister.
Je savais juste qu’elle était née à Clermont-Ferrand et que, petite, elle avait joué à Yzeure, tout près de Moulins. En revanche, j’ignorais son poste. J’avais lu sur Wikipédia qu’elle suivait des études de kiné parallèlement à sa carrière. Je crois qu’Élise exerçait la profession d’institutrice. Évoluait-elle en défense ou au milieu de terrain ? Difficile à dire. En fait, le football féminin ne m’intéressait pas particulièrement. Il ne s’agissait pas d’un manque de respect. Nous ne pratiquions pas le même métier, c’est tout.
En regroupant les forces en présence, Samantha s’aperçoit qu’il manque deux joueuses dans l’équipe des WAGS. Elle cherche des volontaires. Sylvia prétexte un rendez-vous professionnel avec un député et déclare forfait. La maman de Svetlana vient la chercher sur le parking. Sakho et sa clique se sont réfugiés dans le vestiaire pour ne pas avoir à subir les reproches de leur copine en cas de défaite. Je suis célibataire. Je me porte candidat. Les filles parlementent et m’acceptent. Leonardo s’impose de lui-même : il a la quarantaine passée mais, surtout, son honneur à défendre. Nous perdons 74 à 3. Magnanime, Laure me félicite pour mon triplé et m’offre sa tunique. Leonardo s’excuse auprès d’Élise puis se tourne vers moi.
« Comment tu t’appelles, petit ?
– Kevin Kohler, monsieur.
– Bravo. Tu as tout donné.
– Merci.
– Tu es doué. Je parlerai de ton cas à l’entraîneur.
– Merci pour vos compliments, monsieur. »
Le vouvoiement s’impose de lui-même.
Greg dit :
Très bon papier. Comme d’habitude. Aujourd’hui, j’ai regardé PSG – Ol fille sur OLTV. 0-0. Des frappes de gonzesses. Des commentaires affligeants. Du bon football, quoi.
5 novembre 2011, 4:46novel dit :
Toujours aussi brillant et le sens de la formule : « Pour affronter Lyon, nous sommes allées à Créteil! A Créteil! En métro! Et en jouant de l’accordéon pour payer nos billets! »
5 novembre 2011, 9:06« – Vous nous avez changé de vestiaire!
– Pour un autre, bien plus grand. Ce sont les balais qui vous gênent? »
excellent, vivement la suite…
chinchilla masquee dit :
Enkore une fois un grand merci pour ce moment de detente, et de fou rire 😀
5 novembre 2011, 9:52Phane dit :
tres bon ce billet, tres bon…… J’avais peur qu’au rythme où tu les ponds, on finisse pas perdre en qualité, mais non….. la bonne surprise du samedi matin!!
5 novembre 2011, 11:27Luke Seafer dit :
« Je suis tout sauf sexiste! Ma mère est une femme! »
Totalement culte!
5 novembre 2011, 12:35Sûrement un des meilleurs épisodes, si ce n’est le meilleur épisode depuis le début!
ouioui dit :
Ben moi, ça ne me fait pas rire, mais comme c’est bien écrit et intéressant, j’attends chaque épisode avec impatience. J’ai le droit hein ?
5 novembre 2011, 12:36Magabarai dit :
Très beau texte. Un beau plaidoyer pour le football féminin.
5 novembre 2011, 12:56On a eu l’écriture psychédélique précédemment et là quelque chose de beau (paragraphe de la comparaison entre footballeurs et footballeuses). Une plume affinée.
Anthony dit :
« Je suis tout sauf sexiste! Ma mère est une femme! » Magique
5 novembre 2011, 13:01Raieaieaie dit :
Excellent, Le « je suis tout sauf sexiste… » et « Du qatar nous avons hérité du pétrole et elle du sable. Le pétrole salit d’avantage » sont deux répliques très bien trouvées qui m’ont bien fait rire pour deux raisons différentes.
5 novembre 2011, 13:28Keep it up « Kevin », peut etre qu’un jour au Parc une frange d’individus regroupés autour d’une bannière KOP PEM réclamera ton entrée
Kevin Kohler dit :
Déconnez pas, je suis déjà entré trois fois en jeu ! Vous m’avez pas vu ? Je suis si petit que ça ?
5 novembre 2011, 13:31Yohan dit :
« Nous sommes frères et soeurs sans être de la même famille. Du Qatar, nous avons hérité du pétrole et elles du sable. Le pétrole salit davantage. »
5 novembre 2011, 13:45C’est beau… Rare que le football français nous offre de tels moments de poésie!
piticoujou dit :
Exact Raieaieaie, l’idée m’est venue aussi, ce serait plutôt fun de réclamer l’entrée de Kevin pendant un match…
5 novembre 2011, 14:34En attendant, merci Maxime pour ce nouvel épisode. « Flotte dans l’air le son lancinant d’un harmonica qu’on effeuille. D’un coup de coude, Leonardo ordonne à Roche d’arrêter de jouer »: immense, ça ;-))
Kireg dit :
« Du Qatar, nous avons hérité du pétrole et elles du sable. Le pétrole salit davantage »
5 novembre 2011, 15:14Bravo, vraiment.
yoko dit :
Le meilleur épisode de cette saga !
Avec un peu moins de mélancolie, des répliques bien senties et un peu plus d’humour décalé, c’est vraiment le cocktail parfait !
(En même temps, je comprends que le maillot de la jolie Laure ait redonné le sourire à notre Kevin !)
PS : à la lecture du blog de Kevin Kohler, je déclare qu’il est désormais interdit de traiter un adolescent stupide de « Kevin ».
5 novembre 2011, 16:33Rom1 dit :
C’est vrai que Laure Boulleau <3
Pour ceux qui veulent en (sa)voir plus http://fr-fr.facebook.com/laureboulleau
5 novembre 2011, 17:49Mèch Tuyot dit :
Au fond c’est un grand sensible Léo…
Je soupçonne Alain Roche d’être le réel auteur de ce blog.
6 novembre 2011, 0:40newuser dit :
Juste génial.
6 novembre 2011, 23:34Le meilleur de ce blog qui vaut vraiment le détour.
Marcelo Salace dit :
La saga de Kévin m’émoustille beaucoup moins que Laure, mais c’est sans doute l’épisode qui m’a le plus amusé.
7 novembre 2011, 1:53Bonne continuation !
giacomo dit :
pas étonnant que tu ne joues pas beaucoup!Q.I trop grand à la mesure de tes répliques hilaro-constructives…
7 novembre 2011, 9:05Valdeir dit :
Dommage que tu ne sois pas rentré en jeu hier soir à Chaban, tu aurais été le premier parisien depuis Pauleta pour qui je me serais levé sans hésiter. Toujours aussi bon ! Bonne continuation (et du courage surtout).
7 novembre 2011, 18:01roger canette dit :
Elle sait que tu existes.
T es trop une star kevin!
Le T shirt de Boulleau avec sa sueur. :p
7 novembre 2011, 20:22Evites de le salir coquin lol ^^
roger canette dit :
@Mèch Tuyot
C’est pas alain roche c’est moké.
Il est pas sensible il a participé a un cat fight.
http://youtu.be/4wrL9z3Kvww
C’est un loisir raffiné, un plaisir de connaisseur.
http://youtu.be/KQrJ7Jcendo
Quand il y a un cat fight il existe toujours une possibilite meme tres infime, que ca finissent en orgie.
Là Kevin t aurais eu du respect dans le vestiaire.
Le regard embué de Chantome levé vers toi. Le clin d’oeil de Pastore, le 06 de soirée de néné, mieux celui de léo.
Tu devenais une légende. Le nouveau makelele, tu gagnais ta place au milieu, la prolongue et le salaire qui va bien.
Au lieu de ca, t’as fait quoi kevain?
7 novembre 2011, 20:33T as marqué trois buts à des gonzesses.
J’ai envie de dire bravo, change rien, vie ton reve, toquard.
Romain dit :
Sinon, ça consiste en quoi au juste, l’effeuillage d’harmonica ?
8 novembre 2011, 17:20Kevin Kohler dit :
Oh tu sais, moi, la musique…
8 novembre 2011, 22:16Cantona pour un il y en a pour deux dit :
Bien écrit et intéressant. On en redemande.
9 novembre 2011, 9:24Et puis comme di Rom1, Laure Boulleau ♥
Famhm dit :
Très bel hommage au foot féminin.
Je crois que ta phrase sur l’héritage du Qatar va être citée encore longtemps (celle du Leo miso aussi était pas mal !).
Mais… Ca fait déjà six jours ! A quand la suite ??
11 novembre 2011, 11:03Zeek dit :
Leonardo avait une conception toute sud-américaine de l’égalité homme-femme, un mélange de jalousie extrême et de pieds sous la table.
Superbe ! 😀
12 décembre 2011, 3:34Jojo dit :
Superbe…
13 décembre 2011, 11:57Néanmoins j’aurai préféré un harmonica sur le terrain et l’effeuillage de Laure Boulleau…
Carbocation dit :
Ton blog me sauve de la déprime, Kevin. Bravo à toi… et à « Maxime » dont je doute de l’existence ! ^^
P.S. : Ménez vient de mettre une des poupées gonflables de la téléréalité en cloque… Et moi qui croyais que tes billets n’étaient que caricatures et exagérations !
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